Savoring the Moments

In this last month of running my full-time daycare, the lessons that I should have learned long ago are rising to the surface.

Simply put, I have been living my days in the moment.

I will decide what we are having for lunch and snack on the spot. At one time, that was a 'Friday job'. I would sit down and write out the lunch, snack and supper menus for the following week so that I would have the groceries on hand and wouldn't have to waste the energy deciding that in the midst of a chaotic day. Choosing menus based on what I do have in the house and the appetites of the kids on hand feels ... easy.

The house is a lot more chaotic than it used to be. I used to have the kids clean up the excessive toys at regular intervals throughout the day or if it simply felt too chaotic. Now ... we still clean up before rest time and home time. But more often than not, I'll keep that job as something to divert their attention. If there is too much arguing, nit picking or boredom ... I'll suggest that they clean up. The action of doing something productive usually negates the behaviour that's driving me crazy at the moment.

'First days/weeks/months' were always an exhausting time for me. I would set the bar high and not alter it. I wouldn't waiver from the 'expected behaviour' from the beginning. Which, is probably a good thing. I don't agree with wishy washy expectations. What is okay one day, should be okay the next. What is wrong one day, is wrong the next. I still believe in that. But ... I had an 8 month old baby here for his first and last day yesterday. In my old world of looking at the 'foreverness' of that relationship, I would obsess about new routines, how it would affect where everyone would eat and who still needed assistance during lunch. One more person to find a 'spot' for, at nap time. How will it affect our ability to get outside? Will we ever be able to leave the yard again? I would look at that baby and not see the child. I would see how this extra little person would affect life-as-we-knew-it ... and I stressed.

Yesterday, I tended this baby and it was a wonderful day. I thought 'It's just for one day' ... and I relaxed. A person should always take life a day at a time. But when running a daycare was my life, I didn't. I looked at the big picture and forgot to savor the moments.

Will all parents ever remember to tell a daycare provider when their schedule changes? I'll never know. But it happened again. Instead of being irritated at the consistency of this inconsistent behaviour (and a little bit rude), I just thought ... I should have expected this. And I'm glad that I won't be facing this on an ongoing basis in my new daycare world (less families, less chances of it occurring ... but chances are, it will happen again). It was nice to think that this is something that will be happening on a less frequent basis.

Kids are still kids. And recurring behaviours and the need for my assistance will forever be my life as long as I have kids. I still have to be vigilant about keeping expectations consistent. But when one of those behaviours is that of the under 4 year old set, I am pleasantly relieved to know that my school aged crowd will most likely not be sucking on toys, know how to wipe their own noses and not need assistance in the bathroom. As I count down the days to the lessened load of my new before and after school crowd, I am smiling inside ... just knowing that I won't be changing diapers and wiping noses forever.

I am calmer. I'm living in the moment. And when you are surrounded in a life full of children, that is exactly where you should be.

Easier said than done.

The End of an Era

As I am 'wrapping up' my full time daycare career and looking towards a new future (going back to school with only my before and after school kids continuing to come here), I have had many conflicting thoughts.

My first thought (as I gave my parents a month notice to let them know I would be returning to school) was as a parent. I know what it is like to be a parent who is faced with the unenjoyable task of finding and feeling comfortable with a new daycare provider.

My oldest son had 7 different daycare providers. 4 or 5 of them quit on me, I 'quit' on 2 of them. I remember well, that sinking feeling in the bottom of my stomach whenever a daycare provider pulled the rug out from under me. We were very fortunate that only one of the above 7 situations, was less than ideal. I trusted my instincts when I met the moms that were willing to take on the responsibility of looking after my son. And my instincts served me well.

My second son only had 2 different daycare providers. One of them quit suddenly (giving me a few weeks notice) and the other one took care of him until he no longer required daycare. I remember the interview with the last daycare provider I ever needed. "Are you planning on quitting any time in the near future?" and "If you do, how much notice will you give me?"

When you work outside the home, it is imperative to know that your children are safe and happy. If you know this, you can concentrate on work when you are at work ... and home when you are at home. It gives your worries some boundaries. How can you put in your best day at work, if you are not at peace with who is tending your children?

I remember the feelings well.

I felt like a schmuck, as I gave my notice to my parents. I gave them as much notice as I had (for certain ... even though I've been tossing around many different thoughts and ideas in my mind for the year and a half that preceded this decision). I was letting them down.

Secondly ... is the kids.

I have had so many overwhelmed, frustrated, annoying and un-Mary-Poppins-like moments this past while ... that I thought that I would actually be happy to be putting this part of my daycare career behind me. That has not been the case.

As I returned to work after an 18 day absence from the kids (on my first morning back), I sat back and marvelled at the way they all walked in and carried on as if they hadn't missed a beat. They went through their early morning paces in the way that our cat makes his familiar 'rounds' around the house after he's been out on the prowl. They checked things out, found their friends/toys/routines all in place and some almost forgot to say good-bye to their parents. They are comfortable here.

As I've watched them at play, I marvel at the family-connection that they have among themselves. Sure, there is arguing (what siblings don't argue?) ... life is not all a bed of roses ... but for the most part, they are friends. Despite their age differences and varied personalities, they know each other. They know their differences and similarities and accept them. They are 'family'.

The kids all settle into a comfortable routine after they have been here for a while. We do a variation of the same thing day after day. Lunch is served at the same time ... soon followed by rest/quiet time ... snack time ... and soon after that, the parents start to arrive. We toss in our outings, free play, outside time into the mix. But all in all, the kids know the flow of the day. There are some parts they enjoy more than others ... but we have routines and they know what to expect.

I have been looking at myself a lot lately. I have been short tempered, frustrated, distracted and simply not a warm and fuzzy kind of person to be around. But for the most part, I am 'okay'. I think the kids are all treated equally. The rules and expectations are the same for all. As much as they may hate me for being so strict, they know what applies to one ... applies to all. I think that somewhere deep inside, they respect that.

I look at their smiling faces and the rapport they have with each other and it does my heart good. Even though the older kids may not appreciate the younger crowd at times ... as I sit and watch the kids play, no one is left out. Some may choose to come and go ... disappear for a while and watch a movie or play on their own. But no one is brutally excluded or picked on. They are kind to each other (most of the time, anyway).

I feel like I'm breaking up a family. As with any 'divorce', there are many reasons behind the tough decision that we are better off apart. I know the kids deserve some one who loves their role as care giver. I don't feel like I am the best person for that job. I'm tiring of the many demands of many young children that divide my time, attention and patience in so many directions that I lose my temper too easily. I've been changing diapers and wiping noses for 11 1/2 years. I'm ready to diversify my life.

I thought it would be easier than this. I thought that I would be celebrating my decision to head my life into a calmer, more adult-oriented world. I know that I have made the right decision ... but in my final days of my kid-world ... I also know that this has been the right world for me for the (almost) 11 years that I have lived it.

A New Direction

I have truly been struggling with my 'career' as a daycare provider for the last long while. I would get through a rough patch with a new perspective on things ... but the knowledge that I was burning out was buried deep within myself. I knew that I was losing the battle.

I have always maintained an inner motto of believing that I must act in the best interests of the children. I've had some rough spots along the way and for the most part, I could learn from the bad days and carry on with a smile. There is always a lesson to be taken away from every encounter - good or bad. And I have learned a lot.

Focusing on the positive has always been my way of getting through the rough patches in life. I started this blog to write about positive things. When I felt myself wavering with the negativity, I started a private blog for my daycare family. Between listening for morsels of conversations among the kids, to write about; making movies and snapping pictures ... it worked. I was excited, my parents enjoyed it. It worked well.

It was during my recovery period after my surgery last fall that I knew the direction that I wanted to take with my daycare. I hoped to decrease my daycare load and start doing book keeping out of my home. The first phone call I received after I made that inner decision, was to keep another child before and after school. I was thrilled that this fit right into my plan. 'The world' was accommodating me.

It was quite an adjustment to take back my '3 year olds and under' after my 6 week recovery period. I had grown to like the daycare provider that I was, when I was tending the older children. Younger ones have a way of dividing your attention in far too many directions. Between diapers, naps, runny noses, toilet training and the ever changing needs of this age ... it takes a fair amount of organizational skills to incorporate all ages into a day. It was not a fun period.

Christmas was soon upon us and I wrote up my annual yearbook for the kids. Looking back on the movies I had made of the kids was the turning point. There is nothing like a 2 minute recap of a 10 1/2 hour day, with smiling faces and cute antics to turn a frown into a smile. I wrote up our Christmas yearbook and felt revived. Yes! I could do this. I was lucky to have such a job.

Then ... an endless winter turned into an endless spring ... and summer brought a less than ideal set of personalities together to spend an endless summer holiday. Things were going from bad to worse. The refrain "I want my mom to get a new babysitter" still rings through my mind when I think of this summer.

We started going for 'weekly adventures' and made the most of the days. I made movies and wrote about the days. But the blog entries were losing their lustre. The kids weren't as happy and I definitely wasn't as happy.

I started phoning around and checking into educational opportunities the middle of June. I checked enough to talk myself out of it. Until ... my holidays were on the horizon and I got encouragement from a friend and a school that I had happened to be in contact with in June, contacted me days before my holiday was to begin.

I knew at the onset of my 2 week vacation, that I must make a firm decision one way or the other within that time frame. Either go back to my pre-daycare employment or go back to school or give it my all and be 'the best daycare provider I could be'.

Long story short, I found a school that will allow me the flexibility to continue to take care of my before and after school crowd. So I will be able to keep my foot in the daycare world as I venture out and go back to school.

I have talked myself through so many of the low points of daycare that I thought this just may be another one of those phases. But I believe the time is right for me to explore new options. I do still want to be available to be here for my own son and for my after-school crowd. But I know that I am not the best I can be, to take care of the more dependent crowd.

It is in the best interests of the children, that I make this decision to take a step out of daycare. I'm not ready to abandon ship ... I like the diversity. I believe that it does a person good, to be surrounded by the optimism and joy of youth. I don't want to lose that.

So in this next 'chapter' of my life, I hope to focus on my education but I still hope to learn from the children that come through my doors. I may be walking away from a full time daycare role, but I hope to regain a better part of myself as I focus on the older crowd.

Let the adventures continue!

Girls Verses Boys

As a mother of 3 boys, I am simply more used to boys. I have a bias - I admit it. But as my daycare days are running at a 5 or 6 girls to 1 or 2 boy ratio, I'm feeling the stress of my inexperience with girls.

I have been on the receiving end of comments putting down 'boys' in general (due to their tendency to be more boisterous and loud). My boys were not your stereotypical 'boys' (at least not to me), so I really resented when someone lumped boys into one category and labelled them.

So it is not my intent to label boys and girls. I've had girls that are loud and boisterous. I've had boys that have high pitched voices and scream.

But on the whole, there is a difference.

There is a pitch of the voices that is quite different. As a person who is sensitive to noise, this higher tone feels like how a dog whistle must feel to a dog. It's hard to ignore. I've had a yard full of boys that have had voices so loud, that I think they could be heard from a block away. I'm almost certain that I could hear one of these boy's voices from my house (one block away from the school) at recess time. That was also an affront to my senses (and my neighbors, I'm sure).

The other noticeable difference is how they deal with their anger and frustration. Mind you, this changes with each sex as they get older too. The younger they are, the more they immediately retaliate or visibly make their anger known. They blow off steam, get it out of their system and carry on as if nothing happened. As they get older, they are more aware of the ramifications of their actions and they may do something sneaky to get back at someone. Or else they will hold onto the anger and not let it go.

Girls have a reputation of playing mind games ... boys have a reputation of duking it out and then not hold any grudges. I've seen examples of both of those qualities - especially as they get older.

In this recent mix of personalities which is very girl-dominant, I am struggling. There have been times when it has been exactly the opposite - the boys outnumber the girls by far. I don't recall having the same trouble coping. The challenges were different ... but there were still challenges.

As I go through the days and have become rather climatized to the girl dominated scene that run our days, I'm getting accustomed to it. But when it boils right down to the one difference that wears me down the most ... it would be the pitch. Boys may be louder but the girls voices are in the dog whistle range to me.

Everyone's tolerance for differing personalities and behaviours is different. I'm very sensitive to noise, so for me it is all in the noise levels.

No scientific findings. But yes ... there is a difference between the 2 sexes. I'm just more accustomed to boys.

Long Summer Days

I can't believe we are only 2 1/2 weeks into the summer holidays. It's been a very long summer so far.

The challenges of keeping 1 1/2 year olds to 7 1/2 year olds entertained are many. When I first started my daycare, my middle son was 12 years old and he had as much fun playing with the kids (and helping to entertain them), as the kids did.

As the years went on, he grew out of that phase but the kids in my care grew up and as each entered the older ages they seemed to take on the playful attitude of creating fun and games for the younger ones. It was a win-win situation. It kept the older kids entertained and the younger ones happy.

Then my youngest son grew up through the years and he took on the 'fun and games' coordinator role. Again ... everyone was happy. This year, he likes to have more and more time to himself or to play with his own friends. I don't begrudge him any of that - he has spent all 11 years of his life sharing his home, his toys and his mom with a house full of kids. If he wants to take a step away from that, it's okay with me.

The problem that I have this year, is that the older crowd wants to be entertained. They don't want to take on the role of creating games which keeps not only the younger ones entertained, but themselves.

'I'm bored' (I want to be entertained) seems to be the theme of the summer. It starts at the top and works its way down. Granted, the age span is expansive and there is a very high girl to boy ratio. So a lot of them are wishing for a 'buddy' their own age, with their own interests. But I believe it is better to be with a group of children of any age or sex, verses being alone. I believe in utilizing your imagination and finding creative ways of making the best of the situation at hand.

I am not the type of parent who coddled and played with my children excessively. My kids learned to entertain themselves right from the start. I didn't neglect them. I didn't fill every moment of the day with adult stimulation either. I don't treat my daycare family any differently than I did, my own children. I provide a safe home, full of a variety of toys and activities. I can see and hear what is going on; we go outside when we can; and to the neighborhood parks as a treat.

The problem with summer, is that even the special outings become ordinary and mundane if you do the same thing every day. The weather, ages & stages of kids and varying schedules prevent us from doing a lot of gallavanting. But in a way, it helps to keep the outings fresh and exciting when we can go. We haven't had a lot (if any) overly hot summer days. So the water games haven't been happening. Mix kids and water and you've got a winning combination. But so far, that has been rather elusive.

As I write this, I have an (almost) 2 year old; a 2 1/2 year old; a 4 year old and a 5 1/2 year old at play. The voices are happy. Contentment is in the air. But it could change in a moment (and it did ... from a whiny, discontent child ... to the change of activities (coloring in the kitchen) ... and the last arrival of the day (a 3 yr old) ... and someone needing help in the bathroom).

The winds of change, needing to adapt and stop on a dime are always in the air. When the kids are happy, I'm happy. When I'm happy, they're happy.

I think people of all ages (from infanthood to adulthood) should have the ability to make the most of a situation they are in. When your imagination and creativity are allowed to flourish, there is very little to be bored about.

Summer shouldn't be a time of kids wondering what they are going to do with their time. It should be spent living every moment, knowing that these months are fleeting and we must make the most of every moment. Even if it means ... creating your own fun.

Attitudes

Attitudes are contagious. Negativity spreads like wild fire when left unchecked. And it's been running rampant in my daycare lately.

In writing out my thoughts yesterday morning, I was dwelling on the negative. It was my fingers that did the talking. When I looked at the words I had just typed, I saw: "As this attitude starts from the top, it has a trickle down effect. So it is with attitudes. Starting with mine. I don't really want to be here either. Maybe I'm the one initiating it??"

I have been listening to a litany of words seeping out of the mouths of the kids. It starts with a whisper, but as the thoughts of the oldest trickle down the line I hear the truth from the younger, more vocal ones: "I'm bored. I want my mom to find a new babysitter."

Ouch.

My immediate response is defensive. I was thinking that it's all (the oldest) his/her fault for starting this attitude. 'Everyone else' knows how to use their imagination, the toys at hand and the kids that are here to make the best of the day. 'No one else' complains. Or ... do they??

I looked at myself and my own attitude. I am frustrated with my 'career', overwhelmed in my life, at a loss as to handle the ages and personalities of the kids I have coming here over the summer and I have been sleep walking through the days. Taking the required steps to do what has to be done. But "I'm bored. I want a new day job." is running through my mind most of the day. And I wonder where the kids get the attitude?? Time to examine the source.

Yesterday was one of those perfect days. All the stars were in alignment so that we could take advantage of a beautiful day outside, the right amount of kids (not too many, not too few) to go on an outing, the right personalities to make an 'adventure' possible, the right schedules that allowed us 3 hours of uninterrupted time where we could leave the house (there can be so much coming and going and variance to my parent's schedules). Plus ... I had the ambition and energy to make the most out of the day.

My attitude was carried down the line. I could hear the difference in my voice and the way the kids reacted to it. The words that were volleyed around the day were fun and uplifting. I was still my usual strict rule enforcer ... but I found new words to state the rules. We set out on an 'adventure' and the only rule was: that they had to be on their best behaviour. Because we could turn around and go home at any time.

There was no bickering about what sidewalk space the other child was taking. There were a few minor bumps and crashes but no crying. Our walk was fairly long, but no one complained. As we set out on our adventure, we all carried the knowledge that it could end at any time. So we made the best of each moment.

As each of the kids were picked up, they couldn't wait to tell their parents about our day. That is the goal I should hope to achieve most (if not all) days. I am surrounded in youth. It's time to lighten up my own attitude and take on some of theirs.

It's time for me to pick up the attitude of wonder and appreciation of the moment from those I find myself surrounded by every single day. I'm sitting in the middle of a treasure cove with my eyes closed. All I need to do is open my eyes and follow their lead.

Overwhelmed in the Daycare World

I've been at war within myself this past little while. After 10 1/2 years of running a daycare from my home, I'm running out of steam.

It all started when I had a 6 week 'work slow down' after surgery last fall. I wasn't able to lift for 6 weeks, so I was granted a 6 week reprieve from my 3 year olds and under.

It was great. It was the first time since the birth of my son 10 years prior, that I didn't have to assist anyone with any 'bathrooming' of any kind. It was the best holiday ... ever!

This change of pace in my daycare days had me thinking that it was time that I wean myself out of the business. I took on a book keeping job and I thought that this was definitely the direction that I was ready to take.

The long winter, added to some new personalities and dynamics (to adjust to) in my days has made for a very stressed-out 'me' lately. Last week, I started actively pursuing other career options. It was a bad week (more like, I was very tired and worn out and I didn't handle the days very well).

I have mapped out a long term plan in my mind and I plan to take steps to achieve my goal. But it will be a gradual process.

In researching my plan, it has reinforced just how fortunate I am in the role of daycare provider.

Working from home started out as a way to raise my own child instead of handing him over to someone else 9 hours of every week day. It has resulted in a completely different way of life.

In being a full time parent to my own child and being available to take care of many others, we have created a different home environment. A home where there are all different ages and stages and personalities coming and going throughout the years. There have been many challenges along the way, but in dealing with the many differing behaviours that we have run into, it has created a tolerance within both me and my child who has been raised in this environment.

This 'career' allows me to multitask throughout the day and tend to many mundane chores during my work day (although most of this work is created because I have a house full of children every day) which frees up my evenings. The inability to run errands or tend to doctor appointments and the many other things that I used to fit into my lunch hours when I worked out of my home is the down side. But there is an advantage to every disadvantage in this life.

Unpaid sick time, vacations, lack of health benefits and pension are the disadvantages of being self employed. But the quality of life that I am living is a hundred times better than it was when I worked for someone else.

Being accountable for children and available to tend to them for 11 hours of the day has its pitfalls. But being able to squeeze in personal phone calls, house work, making supper and having quiet/nap time to fit in things that I may otherwise not have time to do during the day is the up side of that. The ability to multitask throughout my long, committed days provides the balance that is required to 'live a life' with the few waking hours that I have left in the day after I lock up for the night.

The noise and energy levels of the kids drives me batty some days. But I am 'the master of my domain' and I've structured our days/life here, so that there are rules of conduct that (when followed) keeps the behaviours of the kids that I tend within manageable levels. Yes ... we have bad days. But all in all, there are many more good days than bad ones.

Yes ... I am overwhelmed a lot these days. As this blog entry has sat unfinished all morning, I am overwhelmed once again (after the morning started out so well). Such are the ebbs and flows of a daycare day. What seems unmanageable becomes manageable as time/schedules/shifts of the behaviours move along with the day.

Fresh Air and Sunshine

About a month ago, I wrote about feeling burnt out. It was just before the sun started shining on our days and created the ability to spend a great deal of time breathing fresh air and absorbing some sun shine.

What a difference a month makes! We have been outside on a regular basis since that time and I feel like a new person.

You can take a bunch of 'wild and crazy kids' outside and the air simply seems to calm them. And if it doesn't, that's okay too. I like for them to spend their energy outside anyway.

More often than not though, after a surge of energy and noise is expended they find something that has grabbed their attention and they are content and happy.

Ladybugs are the best and cheapest form of outdoor entertainment that I have ever come upon. Other bugs are interesting and worth exploring but there is something about the ladybug that keeps them coming back.

The playground and sandbox that I invested in, the first summer I ran my daycare has been worth every single penny it cost to buy and assemble. Kids are natural born climbers and I let them climb as far as their age and agility allows (it's not that tall, but it takes a while for the 1 year olds to conquer). The high vantage point from the platform has been everything from pirate ships to a safe zone to a fort and anything their imaginations come up with. The sand provides endless entertainment for every age.

Simply going for a walk and enjoying the sights of the season is a treat after a long, cold winter. Checking out the neighborhood parks, going to the library if weather and number of kids allows, water fun ... these are a few of my favorite things.

As I have sat out and soaked up the sun and fresh air since our spring weather finally arrived, I gaze over to the contended group of kids in my care and think that this ... is like a little piece of heaven right here on earth.

Time Outs

On the whole, I don't resort to time outs a lot of the time. My 'angry voice' is pretty scary in and of itself. But when I utilize a time out, it is often for my own sake.

A time out gives both parties a chance to take a breath. When emotions are out of control and a child is very upset (which usually upsets me in an equal proportion), I tell them to breathe. Take 10 deep, deep breaths ... right to the bottom of their lungs. My advise to them is that breathing helps. If you are angry, upset or hurting in any way (physically or mentally) ... breathing helps (and it certainly can't hurt).

When I am upset with the kids or a situation, I find that I need to take those deep breaths. If I'm not calm, I can't diffuse a volatile roller coaster of emotions. So taking a physical time out from the offending child is often as important for me, as it is for them.

I am very much of the thinking that I need to catch a child in the act of a misdemeanor before I punish them. I don't like to rely on hearsay or tattling. If I witness an act worthy of punishing or if a child continues to do something after they've been told not to ... I will time them out. Take time to think about what they did.

The length of the time out depends on the child. The repeat offender who appears to have little or no remorse gets a longer time out. The sensitive child who's feelings are fragile rarely ends up in a time out, but if they do it is a shorter sentence. If I need time to cool down, I base the time out on my own emotions.

Endless bickering, tattling and fighting drives me crazy. In most of the cases I take the stand that 'it takes two to argue'. If I haven't witnessed the beginning of a disagreement, rather than take sides I will time both of them out. The duration of the time out is of their choosing. When they decide to get along, find a resolution to the argument and can be friends again they are free to go.

One of the other occasions I'll time someone out for, is if there is one child who is continually in the middle of every argument, fight or over the top behaviour. If there is a common denominator to a very bad day, I will isolate them.

In each case, before the kids return to play there is a recap of the behaviour that got them into a time out in the first place.

In almost all cases, it is a matter of play nice ... and be friends. If the whole world played by those 2 rules, wouldn't it be a better place?

The Question of "Why"

I don't play the ''Why?" game with the kids. Not when it hampers their ability to think.

This morning's "why" scenario:

I was cleaning the blinds.
Child: "What are you doing?"
Me: "What do you think I am doing?"
Child: "Cleaning the blinds."
Me: "There you go ..."
Child: "Why y y?"
Me: "Why do you think?"
Child: "Because they are dirty."
Me: "There. You figured it out all by yourself."

Whenever the word 'why' is drawn out into a 3 syllable word, I cringe. It is a game that I don't play. Why?

Because I think that children can answer many of these questions by using their own deducing skills. It isn't often that the question "Why?" requires an adult answer in my world. When it is something that isn't obvious, I answer. Otherwise I tend to ignore the question or ask the child to figure it out.

Sometimes the question doesn't even make sense. They are playing the 'Why Game' out of habit and the question isn't even answerable.

I don't mind answering real questions. In fact, we have gone to the encyclopedias or google to find answers at times to find answers. But for the most part, if a child can figure out the answer to an obvious question, I think "Why answer?"

When Kids Can Teach Each Other

I love when my 'long time kids' help me to teach the new families the rules around here. It's music to my ears when I hear the older kids teaching the smaller ones. My rules never change, and my mantras are many. Often, I hear my words coming out of the mouths of my charges as they help me keep order under our roof.

I'm unwavering with my rules and expectations. I often compare myself to a drill sergeant as I bellow the same old thing time and time again. "The rules don't change" is one of my many favorite sayings. "You know better ... when you know better, you do better" is another.

I think the consistency is a good thing. I expect the same behaviour from everyone, so even though I'm strict (if I was a kid, I would think that I was mean) I believe what saves me from being a true ogre in the eyes of the kids ... is that everyone gets treated the same. I'm quite certain that I don't play favorites (though there are the mild mannered kids that I am not so forceful with because it simply doesn't take more than a sideways glance and a comment and they are towing the line immediately).

Kids voices carry very well. So I will often hear their efforts to resolve a situation using my rules, my words and eventually a "Colleen will get mad" to get someone to listen. When nothing seems to work, I try to silently approach the situation to have a look at what is transpiring. Then I will help the one who has been trying to handle the situation and tell the offender "If you listen to ____, you don't have to listen to me (tell you the same thing, only louder)." "The kids know the rules ... listen to them."

I feel like it validates the one who was trying to live up to my expectations and helps teach the smaller (or new) ones to respect whoever is trying to get them to follow the rules.

For the most part, it works very well when the kids can take control of a situation. It is something that they are going to come face to face with at every turn in their life. With friends and family that they play with; at school; at the playground; all of their life.

It's a small thing, but I think it is a good life skill for kids to have. Adults are close at hand when they are needed to intervene ... but if they can learn to stand up for their rights, rules and rights of others at a young age ... it can only help them down the line.

My Daycare State of Mind

Even though I run a daycare in my home for 10 1/2 hours of the day, 5 days a week ... I don't like for my home to have the look of a daycare when I'm off duty.

I have many routines that signal 'off duty' in my mind. A toy chest that I can close the doors on, at the end of the day. The front door is locked and the blinds are closed. The house is vacuumed and clean. All remnants of the day are dealt with and put away. When the last child of the day leaves, I breath a huge sigh of relief, as all of my signals tell me 'my work here is done'.

On weekends, I tuck away the extra high chair and booster seats so that my kitchen doesn't have the look of 'daycare'. I put the stool (that I have so the kids can reach the bathroom light and sink) in the bathroom out of sight. I wash all of the kids bedding so that it is fresh and clean for whatever the next week has in store. But for the weekend, it is all out of sight.

I bring out things that signal how I want to live the weekend. An end table in the living room that I can use to put my coffee, books and any little project that I may be working on. Pillows in the spare/TV room that support my neck and back as I sit back and relax and watch my favorite taped shows. The remote control isn't put out of the reach of small hands, bedroom doors are left open, the cat is free to roam the entire house and just a general sense of 'adults live here' about the house.

As the weekend winds to a close, I gradually bring the daycare world back into my physical view. It sets the wheels of my mind in motion to gear up for the week ahead. The house has the look of 'kids live here', the wash cloths and diapers that I need for the day signal who and what to expect in my mind, the phone starts ringing (with the incessant changes to the expected schedule changes), the blinds open and at last ... the front door is unlocked.

These signals that I have outwardly, set up my mind set for whatever may lie in store. As the house takes on the outward appearance of 'daycare', so does my mind. I find that I need to be in the right state of mind to take on a full day of kids.

And so a new week begins ...

Temper Tantrums

I am not one to succumb to the pressures of a screaming child who will throw a tantrum to get their way. This rule of thumb was challenged by one of my newest arrivals to our daycare family.

Last week was their first week with us. It was a week of learning the ropes and discovering each other's limits. The oldest is almost 4 years old and the youngest is close to 2 years.

The (almost) 2 year old had some issues with the separation anxiety as her parents walked out the door each morning. She wasn't feeling well, so we had a few 'sad' days where I didn't know where her normal personality ended and her illness began. I could take all of this in stride and each day was a bit better than the day that preceded it.

This is the natural order of things when a new family starts coming. We have some tough days. But on the whole, each day gets progressively better.

Enter 'sister #2', (almost) 4. Each day, at nap time we had an 'issue'. Starting with a list of 'needs' that she wanted after she laid down for her nap. I had a feeling that I was being tested, so I was firm in my rule that nap-time is nap-time. NO fooling around. This led to how far the door must be left ajar when she napped, one day. It crescendoed when I accidentally gave her blanket to her sister, another day. That was a scene that I hoped never to repeat.

That leads to Friday. One would think that the 'lessons learned' from the tantrums thrown each day at nap time would have lessened the intensity of the aforementioned scenes. One would be wrong ...

It started out as a minor altercation between her and her sister. I stepped in because I do not believe that 'the biggest/loudest kid wins'. I believe in being fair, taking turns and negotiating an answer. When the solution isn't apparent, I will take the item being fought over so that no one wins. I use the word ''Stop!" to halt the escalation of the process and not to assign blame. In the past, this has worked for me.

Not this time. My use of the word "Stop!" escalated the screaming. When that happened, I took the 'offending toy' away. The screaming was even more intense. The excessive screaming led to me removing the offending screamer from the room, telling her that: #1 Crying never works; #2 If you cry, the answer is an automatic NO; and #3 If you are crying, you must be by yourself and you can come out and play with the kids when you are happy.

The screaming intensified. I'm certain that neighbors 6 houses away could hear it. I closed the door to the room that she was in, to give her the illusion that I could not hear her and her screaming was to no avail. The room she was in had an open window. When the screaming sounded akin to someone being murdered, I moved her into another spot closer to the kitchen (where I was working) where I could close the door. I didn't think that it could get worse ... but it did.

I was shaking. Literally, figuratively and to the very core of my being ... this behaviour, screaming and out and out defiance of an authority figure had me quaking.

As soon as there was the slightest decrease in the decibel level of the screams, I talked to her. I told her to breathe. We each took deep, deep breaths. I could feel sanity return to my being, with each breath that I took. Her breaths weren't as deep, but my calmness and steady words (as I relayed the message over and over again that this behaviour will never, ever get what she wants) finally lessened the intensity of the moment.

I felt like a 4 year old myself, as I dealt with this scenario. When someone is screaming ... the tendency of a 4 year old, is to scream louder. And I did. I know better. The best way to get someone to listen, is to be calm and talk in a quiet voice. I know this. The intensity of this particular tantrum (added to all of the tantrums that preceded this last one), had me at my wits end. Usually consistency pays off. I expected the tantrums to decrease in volume and intensity. Not increase.

After all was said and done, I sat down and talked to all of the ''3 years and up'' kids (including the tantrum-thrower) that were witness to this outburst and I apologized for over reacting. I was wrong. I admitted it and we had a conversation about the entire scenario that had transpired that morning. Even though I reacted badly, the message was the same: You will never, ever get your way if you cry.

The day continued. Nap time went without a fight. The rest of the day went almost perfectly. She appeared to have completed her mission to test me ... and we both got along fine with our new limits.

We are on day #4, of week #2 this week. And this little girl has been very close to perfect. There are still moments where I will tell her to "stop" her behaviour and explain that it is not acceptable to act that way. No blame, no anger, no raised voices. And we carry on.

I've always believed that temper tantrums were to test the limits a child could take their behaviour to. I've never believed that handling them was my forte. But after a week of consistent negative outcomes to a negative behaviour, I think we are on a better path. And we both learned a valuable lesson.

Burn-Out

I've had very little to contribute to this blog lately. At the end of every winter, it is typical for my energy levels to be drained and for my enthusiasm to be low. After a long season of being cooped up in the house, we are all ready to get outside and breathe a fresh season of air. It is like oxygen being pumped into your soul. It usually cures the winter blues.

This year, I can't seem to drag myself out of the winter season. I am constantly questioning whether I should remain in the daycare provider role.

What I love about my job ...

I absolutely love working from home, being my own boss, I don't have to worry about comfortable shoes and I work for the most incredible parents.

I feel like I do a good job of keeping our days running smoothly. I'm organized, have routines, expectations and I feel like I run a 'pretty tight ship'.

I am dependable, honest, fair and try hard to keep the lines of communication open between myself and my parents.

I have started up our daycare blog in order to give the parents a 'look' at our days and to keep me focused on the positives. I write up semi-regular newsletters to talk about outstanding issues, any information the parents need to know and just a briefing at our life here.

I'm flexible with the many changes that are thrown my way. From varying schedules, unexpected turn of events, last minute changes and late payments. I am perhaps too flexible because this wears on my patience when too many families have too many changes.

Lately though, I haven't been happy with the person that I have become throughout my days.

We are in a state of flux at the moment, with the start of a new family. As we get used to each other, there is frustration on both sides of the equation that makes for some tense moments.

I have a high girl to boy ratio at the moment. I have 3 sons. I'm used to boys. I relate to boys. Girls ... are a challenge to me. This is taxing.

I'm starting to feel overwhelmed in my daycare world. Mostly because of the life that I have going on outside of this 'world of kids'. I have a lot of balls in the air, so my patience is not what it should be.

My long term goal is to lighten my daycare load and take on other ways of earning an income from home. Unfortunately I can see this in my mind's eye but it is not my reality yet. So I'm feeling stuck in between the place that I must be right now and the place that I want to evolve to.

In the mean time, I know that the kids that are in my care deserve a better me. I need to re balance my priorities and focus on where I am ... and make the best of that.

Choices in Parenting

The dilemmas that mothers face, when it comes to working outside the home verses being a stay at home mom are many.

In many cases, parents don't feel like they have a choice and that is the toughest spot to be in. When a person does have a choice it isn't a lot easier. How are you going to be the best parent and set the example you want to set for your child?

I was thrown into the work world without a second thought after the birth of my first 2 children. I have no regrets, because I needed to learn what working in the real world could teach me. I had my mom step in and help out for a few years and wonderful daycare providers after that.

I was very fortunate when I was working outside the home. I didn't bring my parenting issues to work (though I can't always say the same about not bringing my work stresses home with me). I had 2 very separate worlds which worked well for me, yet independent of each other.

Taking my children to daycare provided us the opportunity to adapt to the separation issues early on. They learned to play with and befriend children of all ages. They learned to trust and respect another adult care provider. They were kept busy, active and learned a lot about the social interactions with their peers that they would need to know later in life. Starting school was a non-issue because they had already adapted to the idea of being away from me, being with other children and respecting another adult. The work/daycare experience worked well for us.

Something happened within me after the birth of my 3rd (and last) child. I had a burning desire to be a stay at home mom. I am a single parent, so this option has never really been available to me. But this third time around ... I wanted to find a way to be a mom. Thus, my daycare was born.

As much as my first 2 children learned from going to daycare ... my third child has gained just as much by being at home with me and a house full of other children.

He was 6 months old when I started taking care of children. He has known no other life, than a life where he shared his mom, his house, his toys and his time with other children. He grew up with children of all ages. He anticipated going to school like 'the big kids', he has faced bullying, bad language and behaviours of all kinds - all from the comfort of home. It hasn't always been easy, but when the going got tough I kept telling myself that he was going to meet these personalities at some time in his life anyway. So I felt fortunate to be at his side and get through the tough spots together.

He is now 10 1/2 years old and he is 'the big kid' now. He will take the older kids under his wing and create fun and games that entertain them. He won't take any nonsense from the kids - if they don't follow the rules of the game, they don't get to play. He talks to them in a very respectful way. He is setting a positive example for them. Granted, there are days when he needs time to himself and I never begrudge him those times. He has shared every part of his life ever since he has a memory. If he needs to take a step away and take some time alone, he deserves that.

He has learned through watching different children's behaviours, what kind of parenting works and what doesn't. He has gained a wealth of knowledge, just be being a part of this world of children, parents and responsibility. Because he has seen all of this through the eyes of a child, he has a wider perspective than I do, at times. We have conversations about behaviours and discipline.

We have an amazing relationship for many reasons. One of which, is because I have been here for him every day of his life. But that is a small thing in the whole scheme of things. We have both shared our lives with other children and families for over a decade. The children come and go. He has made many friends throughout the years that he still keeps in touch with, even though they have outgrown the need to come to daycare. But one thing remains constant - at the end of the day, we have each other. We may be at opposite ends of the house doing things independently from each other. But we are family. He knows that he's special. For many reasons, but the biggest reason of all is because he is my son.

Being a stay at home mom has been the greatest gift. Raising my child within the daycare that I have at home has been a great opportunity to teach him coping skills for school and life outside of these doors at home.

I have no regrets. I have raised each of my children in the best way that I could, at the time. Had I stayed at home from the beginning, I would not have become the person that I needed to be as the years progressed. I had much to learn, that the work-world taught me. I have learned even more through running my daycare. I believe I learned what I needed to know, in the order I needed to learn it. I have been the best parent that I was capable of being. I had a lot of room to grow, so I've been a different parent to each of my children.

What I know now, is that you can only do your best. One can always strive to make their best ... better. When it comes to working inside or outside the home, everyone needs to find what works best for them.

Silence is Golden

I have just endured one of the noisiest daycare-days in recent history. My ears were ringing with the incessant chatter, loud voices and whining, with running and jumping tossed in to help the floor vibrate a bit.

Kids are kids. Noise happens. But man, oh man! I don't handle the excesses of noise ... at all.

At one time, I ran on a very short fuse. I would anger very quickly and patience was not my strong point. Today felt like one of those old days. It was the noise.

I see no reason why anyone must shout when a quiet voice will suffice. There was one voice that dominated the day. That of a 3 year old boy, who is discovering the wonderful world of vocabulary. Out loud. Non stop. And loudly.

I try everything ... from talking to him quietly and reminding him to talk in a quiet voice. To shushing him. To telling him to just ... think. Thank goodness he still naps. I don't know what I'd do if he didn't.

Then I have two girls (cousins) that arrived together today. They walk in the door and instantly want something they can't have/reach/or do on their own. The first sounds out of their mouths are noises of demanding something from me. They don't speak well, so anything beyond the most basic words comes out as a nasal sounding noise that is pure gibberish to my ears. This background 'music' goes on. All day.

Then there is a 4 year old girl with a loud, loud voice. When some one is bugging her, not doing what she wants ... when she is playing, laughing, talking ... it is all on a high volume. She plays hard, talks lots and if she's not happy, I think my neighbors know it.

Then there are the quiet ones that are just waiting for an excuse to lose their inhibitions and go wild. My quiet one gets very, very loud and rambunctious in the company of a noisier crowd.

There were only 5 of them ... but it sounded like 15.

Noise tires and frustrates me. It feels absolutely heavenly to be sitting down at the end of this long and loud day with only the hum of the computer, the clacking of the computer keys and the background traffic as it drives by.

I'd love to have a little cone of silence to retreat into, on days like this. But the good thing is ... that days like this do come to an end.

Choosing Families

I have never declined a family from starting here. Once (in my 10 1/2 years of daycare), I have had to ask a family to find other daycare. Recently, I have been wondering if I can start to pick and choose my daycare families.

It seems that there is always one family that just doesn't 'fit'. Either I'm on a different wave length than the parents and we just don't speak the same language. Or the behaviour of the child is a constant drain on my energy. Or the schedule and unreliability of knowing what is happening in my days or income is another source of energy-drain for me.

It is hard to work with parents that don't see me as a person. I am simply 'the babysitter' and there is a respect issue that I battle with.

As parents change their schedules on a dime and expect me to just go with it ... as they call me after the time they are expected to have their child picked up to tell me that they will be even later ... as they (occasionally) forget to pick up their child due to communication break-down between the parents ... I am starting to get frustrated.

I have tried to put guidelines in place so that both the parent and I can know what to expect (schedules and income). I write up my newsletters to keep reminding parents of small housekeeping items that are what I would think are common courtesy. When we are working together, it's important that the respect works both ways. So I try my best to be accommodating.

It seems easier to hold onto a 'challenging' child or set of circumstances, than to accept a new family and the unknowns that go along with that. So I keep talking myself into accepting the fact that the known is better than the unknown.

In the past hour and a half, I have received a phone call from one family to tell me their babysitting needs will be cut in half. Effective immediately. Just a few minutes ago, another family called to tell me she was still at work (I was expecting her to be picking up her child when she called) and she'd be here when she got here. I had already ordered supper to be delivered, at a time that I assumed would give me lots of leeway to have this child gone. Now, my supper will be here before this child is gone. It is such a small thing. But it is so frustrating.

I worked outside of my home for 20 years and I was the one on the end of needing childcare for my children for those 20 years. So I appreciate the working parents dilemmas and challenges. I try to be flexible. But there are times that I simply feel like a door mat. Today is a day like that.

If I could make a change ... would I? Probably not. I'll continue doing what I am doing. At least for now.

Tough Love

I'm not a softy when it comes to kids. I give them choices and let them live with their decision.

"You can cry if you want ... but no one wants to hear it. Come on out and play when you are happy."

"If you throw the toy ... I take it; if you put the toy in your mouth ... I take it; if you fight over the toy ... I take it; if you break it ... I take it."

"If you are not going to play nice, play by yourself; if you are going to argue, don't play with each other."

"I've got a bed and I'm not afraid to use it."

"You can cry ... but your mom/dad still have to go to work. That doesn't change. They have to work. You can choose to cry or you can choose to be happy. You'll have a better day if you choose to be happy."

"Staring out the window or sitting there being sad will only make the day go slowly for you. You can join in and play with the kids and have fun. The time will go much faster. It's your choice."

I have many, many mantras and the kids know them by heart. But it basically boils down to "you have a choice". If you play, behave and talk nicely ... you are more than welcome to come and join in on all the games. If you are going to cry/bully/argue ... you are on your own. You choose.

It seems consistency is key. The kids usually find out very quickly that I'm not one to be manipulated and I can out stubborn the best.

Today, my new little guy (just about 2) appeared to have caught on quickly. He's just coming here temporarily due to his mother's health and there is a lot of change happening in his life at the moment. His parents and grandparents are riddled with guilt because there is not a lot of stability in his life and he's used to being home with his mom.

As soon as they drove up into my drive way this morning, he started screaming (this is his third day here). He was unrelentless with his grandma. He grabbed on tight, he cried and tried every single thing he could, so he could go with her. But she eventually did just have to leave. I wasn't exactly sure what to expect. He cried/whimpered for 3/4 of the time he was here the last time. I kept checking in on him and telling him he was more than welcome to come and play with the kids ... but he had to be happy. Over and over and over again.

Today, I sat him on the couch and talked to him. Again, telling him he could choose to be happy. I talked, he listened. He stopped crying. For the entirety of the day. He put a little tiny fake smile on his face to show me that he was choosing to be happy. After the performance that he put on for his grandma, I was shocked. I just had to call her immediately and let her know he was okay within minutes of her walking out the door.

I didn't think I was making any headway the last time he was here. But I guess I was. He was listening to me in among all of the tears. He had a very good day today.

I'm tough and unrelentless with my expectations. But 98% of the time, the kids live up to them. It makes this a pretty good place for everyone, when everyone chooses to get along and be happy.

The Winds of Change

All 3 of my families that were slated to go on maternity leave between December and April, are now all officially 'on leave'.

I have agreed to take on a revolving door of kids between now and May 1st (when a new full-time family of 2 will start).

I tentatively have one different family slotted in for each day of the week (one will come on Mondays and Fridays). This is a lot of change. This goes against everything that I know works for me. But it's temporary.

I am so excited to have a full time family starting soon! Full-time child care works best for everyone, I believe.

The hours are the same, day after day, week after week, month after month. The kids, the parents and I all get in a routine that simply makes life run so much smoother.

When kids come to day care all day, every day they become like 'family'. They learn quickly how things run here. They see familiar faces every day and the routine of our days are very similar so they soon know what to expect from the day.

The part time schedules make everything harder. From drop offs and pick ups ... to the routines ... to learning the rules ... and toilet training.

I could go on a rant about toilet training as I am presently dealing with 2 young ones in training, that come here once a week or less. 'Nightmare' comes immediately to mind.

Consistency is key to most everything. I like to know what to expect in my day and I think that most of us work best when we know what's what in our world.

I don't do well with the 'winds of change' but since this is temporary, I will tackle it and hope for the best.

Toilet Training at Daycare

In the 10+ years that I have been providing day care, I have had a lot of 'experience' in the area of toilet training. And has this made me an expert in the area? Far from it!

As I am presently facing another round of children in the toilet training phase, I am simply going with the flow of what I know.

What do I know?

If toilet training isn't a priority or going well at home ... it won't go well here. If the parents don't have the time or energy to do their part ... no matter what I do here, I have very limited success.

The child has to be ready in some capacity. Their ability to understand the basic nature of 'holding it' is required. A means of communication. The desire to stay dry.

I have had some cases where the child was beyond the stage of 'being ready'. But it was the child's stubbornness to not go on the pot or in the toilet that was the obstacle. I am not above bribes. For the stubborn child, I simply told them "If you go on the pot/toilet, I will give you a prize" (I had several $1.00 'prizes' in the house at the time). The choice was theirs. It was very easy to ignore this option until ... one child in training won a prize ... and they didn't. The sacrifice of losing out on a prize was too much for this child. And eventually, he did make his break through at day care. This is the exception - not the rule (in my experience, so far).

I have tried so many things - from taking the child to the bathroom every hour (a futile effort, with a child that simply doesn't care) ... to holding out and telling them that we can not go to the park until they go to the bathroom first. Once I make a deal, I will not back down from it ... so I have created a few situations that I choose not to repeat. But once I did stick to my deal of taking them to the park ... that child seemed to realize that it was worth their while to quickly 'stick to their end of the bargain'. So I gained some headway with this tactic.

But for the most part, the only time I have success that I can count on ... is when the parent tells me that the child is doing well at home. The child arrives without the protection of a 'pull-up' or diaper and the repercussions from an 'accident' are immediate and obvious. Once this stage arrives at home, we rarely have a problem at daycare.

Presently I have a child in the toilet training phase, that comes one day a week. His mom has told me that he is having a lot of success at home. All I have to do, is ask/take him to the bathroom every half hour. That simply doesn't work in my world. Believe me, I've tried. This child isn't getting the consistency he needs, from my end. I've tried to sit him on the pot, but he shows no interest for me. I just don't have the time to supervise this bathroom visit every half hour, when I have several other children to tend. I'm sure the parent is as exasperated with me as I am with this particular situation.

I am relieved beyond belief, that the next round of kids ready for toilet training are awaiting the arrival of a baby brother or sister. The parent will be on maternity leave very soon and this 'job' will be taken out of my hands.

This is one aspect of my job as a daycare provider, that I admit that I have much to learn. What I have learned is that children do learn to understand the toilet training habit eventually. Every child is unique in what works best for them. Ultimately, the choice to 'go' is theirs. In a world where much is beyond their control, some children hold onto this control longer than others. Consistency is key ... if it isn't working at home, it won't work at day care. Once it is working at home, I will do my part to maintain the consistency at day care.

Just because I have had 3 children of my own and been running my daycare for 10 years doesn't make me an expert. I don't have all of the answers - especially in this area.

This is one area where I admit defeat. The child has control over their own body ... and as much as I'd like to control this situation ... I simply can't.

I wave the white flag! I'll do my part ... when the parent and child is ready. Every half hour, for a child that comes once a week? Maybe later ........

"I Want a New Babysitter"

This was how my week ended. When the mom of one of my long-time 'regulars' picked up her son at the end of the day, he told her that he wanted to get a new babysitter.

These weren't his words. He is a parrot of the most dominant person that he has last been in contact with. Yesterday, it was a 7 year old girl that only comes on school holidays. A little girl that has an older cousin (that I took care of for a while one summer), and I could hear the cousin's words come out in this 7 year old back then ... and I heard them again yesterday.

Thankfully, the mom's reply to her son was, "You are not getting a new babysitter - we need Colleen too much!" This mom and I have a good rapport and we understand each other on many levels. I know that we aren't in 100% agreement on everything, but on the things that are important ... we concur.

I run a very tight ship around here. My expectations never change. The kids know the many phrases that I repeat to 'keep order' and I hear my words coming out of their mouths on many occasions. The true test of how your words sound, are when they come out of the mouths of children. And when I hear my many refrains repeated in the kids, I don't cringe.

Yes, I have a lot of rules and expectations of the kids. But when I listen and watch the kids at play, I see the rewards that we are all reaping. There isn't a lot of screaming, crying, fighting or over the top behaviour. I've had parents comment on how impressed they are, when they come to pick up their kids. Everyone isn't running wild and they all get along so well. Yes, I am strict. Yes, I have rules. Yes, if I was a kid I think that I would think that I am a big meanie. But ... in the long run, I believe they are being taught appropriate behaviours and manners and that you don't have to be screaming to have fun.

I have had very few injuries worthy of mentioning to a parent in my 10 years of providing child care. I believe in 'playing safe'. In kid language, that probably equates to me being overly strict. Accidents will happen but I would prefer that they not happen on my watch. So yes, I am pretty firm with the kids.

Now back to yesterday ...

I had a new child come for 3 hours. A child of a mom that runs a licensed daycare from her home. Immediately I was feeling unreasonably worked up about this scenario. What are the expectations of care when you are tending the child of some one who tends children for a living? What am I doing, accepting another child that will come Mondays and Fridays ... casually and sporadically? I have recognized that this situation is one that creates a lot of grief for me.

But ... everyone has a story. This mom has been in the hospital for over a month on complete bed rest, on orders from her doctor (due to complications with her pregnancy with twins). The dad and grandparents have been taking care of this little boy and they just need someone to take him occasionally, so that they have some time to get their jobs done. So ... how could I say no, when I have 2 days of my week that are predictably quieter than the rest?

Add this to an over-tired me, work that feels like it is piling up and the end of a 9 day marathon of doing/going/thinking/working/ running that has taxed my resources to the max. Do you know what? If I was a child that attended my daycare the last few days ... I think I would want a new babysitter too.

It is time to take a day for myself and recharge my batteries. I need to take care of 'me' before I can do justice to my job of taking care of others.

Out of the mouths of babes ... whether it is them parroting words they hear from me or words they hear from another child that comes here ... they speak the truth.

When children speak ... listen.

The Bane of My Existence

I have zeroed in on the one thing that bothers me above all else in my daycare world. Families that come here sporadically.

I feel like these families throw my day into complete chaos. There is no schedule to their coming and going, very little advance notice, no routine what so ever.

These children come so rarely, that every day that they come feels like a 'first day'. Retraining them on what the expected behaviour is here at daycare is a requirement every time they reappear.

The rules at home seem to be far different from the rules at daycare. And if I try to enforce 'my rules' while the mom is still here - watch out! We are in for a crying session. So, I have to wait until the mom is gone and then my rule of consistency is broken. The kids very quickly catch onto the fact that they can act one way when their parent is here and get away with it. So the retraining period takes the better part of the day. It taxes my resources - my energy and patience is depleted fast.

I have realized that 'these days' are my bad days. I am having less and less bad days. So when I do have one, it stands out. And the reason behind them has come into focus.

I believe that it is up to me to determine what does and doesn't work for me. That is my responsibility. If there is a problem that is recurring and I discover what it is, it is my job to fix it ... or else live with it.

That is what I love about my self-employment career in the world of daycare. I am my own master. If there is a problem, it is up to me to rectify it. If I don't find a workable solution, I can blame no one but myself.

Now that I know what the bane of my existence is .... it is my job to fix it!

Parents Can Only Tell You What They Know

I just had the most heartfelt apology from one of my parents because their schedule has been so up in the air the past several months.

This family is going through a separation and throughout it all (from where I stood), it appeared that they put their children first. The children stayed in the home and the parents rotated back and forth to take care of them so they didn't disrupt their children's lives. That could not have been easy - to share a house but not be together.

On top of that, there is an injury that has had the dad on a reduced work schedule; physio appointments; and ever changing schedules. The dad applied for a job that would have meant working all days (instead of the shift work that he presently works). But that job didn't come through and another is on the horizon. He is on a back to work program due to his injury so we kind of take it a week at a time with an outlook of what we expect in the next month.

In the mean time, the mom works at a very demanding job as well. Her days are long but at least there is a little bit of flexibility at times, so she can manage getting their 5 year old off to kindergarten and back.

There has been an illness and death in the family. It just seems like the winds of change and challenges never end for this family lately.

Before this all transpired, I felt like I didn't know what was going on with this family. Schedules changed and they forgot to tell me. They may or may not bring their kids when I expected them. They would make alternate arrangements with family members for a week at a time and forget to tell me. It was frustrating to say the least. But they paid me a set monthly rate and at least knowing what I would be paid made up for a lot.

The difference between 'then' and 'now' is that now, they keep me informed. I am more aware of their schedule and the fluctuations in their needs than I ever have been. They talk to me and let me know enough of what is happening in their lives so that I can understand the necessity to be flexible for the time being.

Simply knowing what the parents knows is enough. At times like this, it's all I can ask. And I am so grateful that they are offering this information to me and I don't have to be continually questioning them.

Sometimes this is the best that the parents can do. They can't tell you what they don't know, any more than a person can call in sick a day in advance. Just let me know what you know, when you know it ... and I'm okay with that. Apology accepted.

A Day in the Life of a Care Provider

Last week provided me with ammunition to start a chapter about 'When Things Go Wrong' in the day care world. It was a combination of the most frustrating moments of the day mixed in with enough time to appreciate the humor in the situation.

Thursday, I had a very very busy kid load. I was at my maximum limit of kids and I knew I was in for a busy and challenging day. As I looked ahead to the lunch crowd that I would have, I planned a very simple to serve and eat (no assistance required for the younger ones) menu. It was time consuming to prepare a meal that required little assistance during the actual meal, but it is always worth it on a busy day.

Lunch was ready. I was organized. I always have the table preset with the lunches already set out on their plates. The kids just have to find their spot at the table (they each have a specific glass and corresponding wash cloth and they just find their glass to find their spot for the meal), I help the little ones into the high chair or booster seats, push in the odd chair and we're ready to go. It works like a charm. Except .... when the oldest child in the crowd spilt her milk before I had pushed in the last chair and put the lunch on the high chair trays. Not only did she spill her full glass of milk all over the table, bench, wall and floor ... but also onto the lap of the boy sitting beside her. First order of business was to get enough milk off the table so it wasn't dripping on the floor. Secondly, I had to find a change of clothes for the wet child. Then, I finally got around to cleaning up the milk. A full glass of milk goes a long way.

We survived the lunch ordeal but it was enough to throw my day for a loop.

Friday was a much quieter day. Just a nice amount of kids to have, lunch went well, the day was going good until .... a 4 year old little boy poked his head out of the bathroom door and said, "Colleen, I peed all over inside the toilet and on the floor ...". Nothing gets a person running like a distress call like that. There he was. Standing with his pants down, on the 'edge' of this catastrophe. I looked at the scene and didn't know where to start. The bathroom is very small, so there wasn't even room in there for me to move him to a dry spot on the floor and clean him up. I picked him up as he stood and placed him in the tub. I had to clean my way to him (the puddle on the floor exceeded what I would have thought the holding capacity of this little boy could hold - much more than the full glass of milk from the previous day anyway) and eventually I got to this damp child standing in the tub. Of course he didn't have spare clothes and I couldn't find any his size right off the bat. Eventually I sent him out of the bathroom, clean and dry in a pair of sweat pants 2 sizes too small for him.

I was still tending the 4 other children throughout this 'bathroom scene' and the voice from the tub quietly stated, "My mom doesn't get mad when I do this ...". In my exasperation, I uttered, "Your mom doesn't have 5 kids to take care of." Even by the time I retold the story (in a much more condensed matter) to the dad when he came to pick up his son at the end of the day, I could see the humor in the situation.

A little time and distance from a lot of the more taxing moments in my day are a little bit funny, when you have the quiet in your household and mind to appreciate it.

A New Family - Day 5

The first week is behind us. There have been some moments that have been frustrating along the journey to Friday, but all in all I think the week went well.

It's understandably frustrating for child and care giver alike, when it comes to adapting to change. As we both had our moments where we were out-stubborning each other, it felt like the moment could go on forever. But they never do. I am consistent in what I expect and in the end, I think that wins out. What is wrong one day, will still be wrong the next day. I keep telling the kids "... even if I can't see you, it is still a rule ... the rules never change ...". They must get tired of my phrases. I use them consistently. I never change either!

Our newest addition is adapting to her new surroundings. When the day starts well, with no crying at the morning drop off (and 4 out of 5 days did), it helps to set the tone for the day. When the personalities mesh well with the other kids (and hers did, right from the start), that is another huge barrier we don't have to overcome. When the basics (eating and sleeping) are good, this is great. It is just a matter of learning the expectations and that is just a matter of time and consistency.

I got a very good feeling right from the beginning when I spoke to this mom on the phone and then met her. It helped that she was referred to me by people she trusted (her brother and sister in law), it helped that I knew and enjoyed the family that referred me to her. We were off to a good running start. Feeling a connection with the parents is the best launching pad for a new family.

And so begins the next leg of our journey in knowing each other. Every working day until further notice. Reality.

P.S. The 'milk struggle' of Day 4 was an absolute non-issue on Day 5. Success!

A New Family - Day 4

A new day, a new challenge.

Yesterday's challenge was a milk rebellion. I made the mistake of trying to have her eat breakfast as soon as she arrived. Her mom says she wakes up hungry so has a little bit to eat as soon as she gets up in the morning. It must be just enough to make her feel like she has had breakfast. Because she didn't have an appetite at all when she first arrived. No problem - I always give very small helpings when I don't know their appetite. But I do insist that they finish their milk before they leave the table. As soon as they get into this habit, I start gradually increasing the amount of milk I serve until I get a feel for the amount that works for them.

Power struggle of the day: finishing her milk.

It got off to a bad start with breakfast (because she wasn't hungry) and it set the tone for the day. We were both intent on being successful in our individual and differing missions. Hers: to leave without drinking her milk (and I am literally talking between 1 to 2 ounces ... not a huge amount). Mine: to get her into the habit of finishing her milk.

I thought she may not finish her breakfast milk before lunch, she was so determined (it honestly wasn't that bad - but it took much longer than it had to). Lunch, she was half as determined. By snack time (I had lessened the quantity of milk to no more than an ounce by then), she was only a little determined. Today we have a clean slate. We'll start fresh and I think we will overcome that small hurdle.

It is a large amount of very, very small things that all of us adapt to when we 'adopt' a new family member. It all seems so very, very trivial but if I'm not consistent, then the others will quickly adapt the unwanted behaviours (again - all very small ... but when you add them all together it becomes big).

Our biggest challenge of all, is that she puts absolutely everything in her mouth. Everything! I caught her licking a toy car yesterday. By the end of the day, she was hesitating a nanosecond before she put something in her mouth. Almost imperceptible to the eye, but I think the habit of hand to mouth is starting to come to an end???

She fits in well with all of the kids and that is good. She goes with the flow of the day and that is also good. She is a good napper and that is great. Her drop offs go good - just a small distraction from the reality of her mom leaving and she's good. She's a good eater, enjoys the toys I have to offer, plays well on her own and with the kids. She comes full time and that is so helpful in establishing routines (part time kids with erratic schedules are becoming my pet peeve).

With this first week almost behind us, I feel like we are on the road to success. One more entry to this blog, after the week is complete and we'll be on our way. Another 'family member' adopted into the fold.

A New Family - Day 3

The tough part begins. Reality.

Yes, as soon as she saw me yesterday morning she put it all together. 'The Mean Lady' (who won't let her get away with chewing on toys, standing and jumping on furniture, taking toys, running or hitting) was who she was going to have to spend the day with. There were tears when her mom left.

But as in most cases, the tears didn't last but a minute. I turned on a 'Clifford' video to distract her and it worked. The next kids filtered in quickly thereafter and we were good to go.

Then, the work began. The day was a continuous 'lesson'. Nothing that I said or did was making a difference, so I began to sit her in the high chair in the kitchen (alone), as a time out when she continued not to listen. She was angry ... but the lesson had to be repeated throughout the day. I do believe towards the end of the day, she did look up at me to catch my eye (and approval or disapproval) before she tried to break a known offense. We are headed in the right direction.

Today is going to be a busy day with the kids I have scheduled to come. More kids may act as a distraction for her? It could just make for a more chaotic day. Time will tell ...

A New Family - Day 2

Day #2 started well. When she arrived, she didn't put 2 and 2 together and realize that her mom dropping her off meant that mom would be gone for the whole day. They drove up, she put the other equation together - that her cousin would be coming here and playing with her. The drop off went very well for the second day in a row. This is good. Often the second day is telling.

Then the day progressed. And the rules continued to get broken. I am unwavering in my expectations and I believe that I am not expecting too much of children. So when they don't follow the rules, I will get after them. Verbally at first. Physically taking away a toy that is being chewed on. Physically taking them off the couch when they are standing or jumping on it. Verbally telling them to ''Stop!" running and if verbally doesn't work, I will catch them and stop them myself. Verbally telling them not to grab toys from others or to throw toys.

The kids that come here are great at 'teaching' the new ones what is right and wrong. More often than not, kids don't take instruction from other kids. But every time that happens, I step in and say "If you don't listen to ____, you will listen to me" (and I am getting sterner by the minute when the behaviour is consistently happening).

When words don't stop them, my tone gets gruffer, then louder, then I will step in and stop the offending behaviour myself. I am becoming 'the mean lady that makes them listen'. The time outs will happen next. By the end of yesterday, this little one had experienced her first 2 time outs. When nothing you say works .... it's time to try a different 'language'.

What I find interesting about teaching the new child the ropes, is that the kids who do continually 'break the rules', all of a sudden know the rules and they are helping me to teach the newest addition.

Unfortunately nap time only lasted one hour yesterday. I knew that the 2 1/2 hour nap of the previous day was not going to happen again. But I prefer 1 1/2 to 2 hours consistently instead of 1 hour one day and 3 hours the next. This was minor in the whole scheme of things.

When her mom arrived to pick her up at the end of the day on Day #1, she cried because she wanted to stay here. When her mom arrived to pick her up at the end of the day on Day #2, she ran into her arms and was happy to go. The novelty had worn off ... she was glad to go home and back to the 'rules' that she knew.

This weaning in period is frustrating and tiring for all concerned. But it's only been 2 days. I'll give it a week and I'm guessing that things will be turning a corner.

A New Family - Day 1

Well, our first day is behind us. I have a better idea what to expect today ... but one never knows for sure.

The drop off went very, very well. She was distracted by the toys and her mom left without causing any upheaval what so ever. This is good. But this morning will be a better indicator. This morning, she will know that her mom will be going for the day ...

It took about half an hour before she started looking out the window and going to the door, to look for her mom. Thankfully, my next arrival of the day came about this time so she was quickly distracted by the company of another child. Within the hour, she gave him a little bear hug. Friends.

Then ... her cousins arrived. Total change of behavior. The limits were now being tested; ground rules being set in place. I probably stayed in one place no more than 5 seconds after that point. It went quickly from one thing to the next to the next. I finally had to put her in a high chair while I made lunch. I simply couldn't be watching out for her while I was busy in the kitchen.

Her appetite was quite in line with that of someone who is here their first day. She was willing to try everything but was by no means acting ravenous. That is pretty normal for day #1 - between me not knowing their appetites, food preferences and eating patterns and them being unaccustomed to our lunch routines and eagerness to be playing verses eating ... the first day isn't normally too indicative of their regular eating habits.

More chaotic play-time before our much anticipated (by me) nap/quiet time. As this new little one had proven to be quite a monkey and had an eye for getting into things, I wasn't too keen on the idea of her sleeping in my room. Although I have a playpen set up in there, I was pretty certain that she had the ability to get out if she wanted to. Thankfully ... she didn't.

I have never, ever had such an easy time of laying someone down for a nap! I laid her down, snuggled her into the blanket, said my good-night ... and it was as simple as that. She didn't move a muscle. She went straight to sleep and slept ... and slept ... and slept. When she did wake up, she was happy, rested and not at all ill at ease to be in new surroundings. Not only that, but it happened to be a day when everyone else left early. So she was on her own, the last half hour of her day. And it went very well.

No matter how much that I know the first day is always full of us learning the ropes, I always seem to be surprised by the different 'ropes' in each different case. Some first days make you want to run for the hills. Others, like this one are a reminder of how far that we've come since the last 'first day' for the last new child that started with us.

As my son uttered in exasperation this morning "She'll never learn ...", I immediately (and honestly) replied "Yes, she will." It really doesn't take very long in the whole scheme of things. And I have a house full of helpers, as the kids that were here before her quickly help me teach the new ones the lay of the land here.

Starting a New Family

Today marks Day #1 of a new family starting here. I thought this may be a good way to track the transition. Though each child and circumstance is different, many things are the same.

This little girl will be 2 years old next week. She is an only child and she is the cousin of one of the families that comes here. So she will have family here to ease the transition.

Since the mom knew of my reputation and had pretty well hired me sight unseen, our interview was different from a lot. I don't think either of us asked the questions that we may have, had we been complete strangers, during the interview process. I have a 'Daycare Policy' sheet, a questionnaire to be completed (phone numbers and information about the child) and I give out my card (with all of my contact information) to each family that starts coming here. So I count on that to fill cover what we may have missed (or trigger questions that the parent may not have thought of). So in many ways, I'm uncertain what today will bring.

She will be the first one here and the last one to leave today which won't make it easy on any count. Having other kids around usually helps the transition into our world. Playing and being distracted is a great way to pass the day. But the day looks like it will be a nice kid-load. The kids are out of school, so I'll have more school aged kids here today. And Monday is my 'quiet day' of the week, so we won't be overwhelmed either.

I believe that I am the 3rd childcare provider this little girl has had in the past year. So she should be used to the idea of leaving her mom. But that is a lot of change in a short amount of time ...

I'll post updates on our adjustments here - hers, mine and the kids. I hope today is a good first day!

The Unpredictable Nature of My Job

Once again, I am haunted with the ever changing schedules and budgets. The first week of this month went so well, that I thought maybe 2009 was a turning point. There is no such thing in the daycare business. One can rely on nothing.

This month, I calculated what I thought I could expect that I would be earning at the beginning of the month. By the 22nd of this month, I was short $400 of that total because of all of the variances to the schedule. I thought "No wonder I am cranky when this happens!"

Every time the phone rings (and it rings a lot), I wonder what curve ball is going to be thrown at me next.

When I expect a busy day, I am okay with it. I map out the menu, what we can do and how I will cope at the onset of the day. I am ready.

When I know the 'personalities' that are coming that day and how they work together, I gear myself up for the challenges that lie in wait or else enjoy a laid back sensation when I have a more easy-going crowd.

When I expect a quiet day, I map out a very different scenario. It is a day where I can squeeze in extras ... I can make soup, bake some snacks, maybe we can even leave the yard if I have few enough children! If I am expecting it, it is great.

I work with what I've got. But when I get a phone call (or more) in the morning, I am instantly reworking the day, menu, my coping abilities and activities in my mind and ... my budget.

So ... I drew up a proposal to a solution that I believe could work.

I love flat rate daycare rates. Everyone knows what the cost will be. I know my schedule and even if it varies, I know what I'm getting paid so I can cope with the variable factor.

So what I have proposed for those who pay by the day or by the hour, is for them to advise me of their schedule at the beginning of the month. I will then calculate what they will owe me for that month (to be paid on their regularly scheduled payment date). We will both know how to budget for that month and I will get paid what I am scheduled to be paid for.

It sounds like it should work. We'll see.

Setting Limits

I am far too much of a 'yes person'. I nod and smile and agree to many things. Not always a wise choice.

I have a family on maternity leave; another family that will be going on a sick/maternity leave and a third family on sick leave. Each of these families have asked me to keep their children one day a week. They want their children to keep coming, stay familiar with the routines of coming, see their friends and the parents can use that time to themselves for various reasons.

I am always complimented when people opt to bring their children here. For them to bring them here when they aren't working feels like a compliment at first. But then ... reality sets in.

I have had one family request this at a time before. Not three. Losing a full time wage from a full time child, then having that child come one day a week is not a good financial alternative. As the third family approached me with this "offer", I was no longer complimented. I was starting to get down right annoyed.

When a child comes on a regular basis, everyone is comfortable with the rules and expectations. Routines fall into place, behaviours are modified to fall within 'acceptable' levels of conduct here and we all become comfortable with how we know and expect the day will unfold. We all become used to each other. It works.

When you bring a child one day a week, it is like they are visiting. There is a difference in the behaviour. Every week takes a readjusting period. The day is over and we haven't regained our equilibrium. It is work. It feels like work. There is not a lot that I enjoy about that 'day'.

I have 3 families on, or going on maternity leave within a 4 month time frame. I am losing 2 full time and one part time income. So ... I've been considering my options as to how to fill those spots and that income. When the first family asked if their son could come one day a week I thought 'okay'. When the second family asked if their 2 children could come one day a week, I thought 'not so okay'. This is not working for me. It makes my day harder and one day of income does not replace 5 days of income ... so why am I even considering this?

I know that I am the only one who can change this sequence of events. I have to sit down and figure out what I can and can't offer. I have to make choices that are best for the way my day runs. And I don't run well with change. I need stability. If I'm stressed out all of the time because of the wind of change that is constantly in the air, I don't have patience for any of the kids. And it's not their fault.

There is an emotional feeling to this that I have to thwart. As parents ask me to keep their children so that they can have a day to themselves, a day to run errands or a day where they can cook supper ... I am no longer complimented. I feel used.

It is time to sit down and set up some guidelines - if only for myself. I need to set limits based on what is best for me. What is best for me, is best for the kids.

Renewed Energy

I have just returned to my day care world after the most ideal Christmas vacation that I ever remember having. I had 2 days to spend with my family, a 5 day getaway from each and every responsibility that I have in my world and I returned from that and had 4 days to readjust to my regular life before my daycare family needed me again.

I have had moments of feeling serenity within myself, in my daycare world ... but not many. I am on day #4 of 'kids'. And it's going well!! I'm calmer and more grounded than I remember feeling for such a long time, that I may even say that I have never felt so good.

When you work around other people's kids 70% of your waking hours and your own for 90 - 100% of the hours left over ... a vacation from every aspect of your life can work miracles.

I highly recommend 'adult-only' time in whatever capacity you can manage it, for every day care provider out there. As much as any one person can love children, you really need to restock your own personal reserves every once in a while!

The Ebbs and Flows

In the daycare world, nothing is for certain. You may have all of your openings full one day, but you just never know when things will change. The only thing you know for sure, is that they will change!

I sat down last fall at one point and though I had been told of the up and coming maternity leaves with 3 of my families, the reality of how that impacted my daycare world and income didn't hit me until I sat down with my 'long term budget' (that is a joke in the daycare business). 3 upcoming maternity leaves meant a huge hit to the budget.

The amazing thing about my daycare world is the way the ebbs and flows take care of themselves. When I realized that I would be losing the income from these 3 families, I instinctively panicked. Then I stopped myself and told myself that this wasn't happening over night and it would be happening over the course of 4 or 5 months. I convinced myself not to over react to something that I had no control over.

Now for the amazing part. My first family's maternity leave started a few weeks ahead of schedule, at the beginning of December. Financially, things were okay and I was just fine with this adjustment. A few weeks ago, I got a call about starting up a new 5 yr old (before and after school). Perfect! I had been thinking of trying to take on older kids and try to wean myself out of the 3 and under age group. The income would be less than half ... but the budget and numbers of kids I have, allowed it.

Then yesterday within 1 hour, I had 2 requests about whether I had room to take on more kids. One, for an almost 2 yr old (to start within a few months). My second family on maternity leave will be leaving shortly after that time. This could work out ...

The second request that I had was for a spot in about a year, for a 1 year old (this baby is presently 11 days old). I am thinking that 2 of my families may not be returning to me after their maternity leaves are over ... so this new baby just may fit into our world here.

Then, before the day was over I had yet another call about a 4 yr old to come before and after preschool and a 2 yr old for full days. It never rains, it pours (though I can't remember a day when it poured so much).

The absolutely best thing about all of these requests (for both me and the parent looking for daycare), is the fact that these referrals are by word of mouth. One was through a family member, another from a teacher at school and the third was through a family I presently work for. I love the word of mouth referrals! It makes me feel good to know that the families that I've worked for feel good about passing my name along. And as a parent, I know the comfort that comes in knowing that someone trusts a daycare provider enough to refer them. It's a win-win situation.

The ebbs and flows in this line of work are quite amazing in the way everything works out in the end.