On the whole, I don't resort to time outs a lot of the time. My 'angry voice' is pretty scary in and of itself. But when I utilize a time out, it is often for my own sake.
A time out gives both parties a chance to take a breath. When emotions are out of control and a child is very upset (which usually upsets me in an equal proportion), I tell them to breathe. Take 10 deep, deep breaths ... right to the bottom of their lungs. My advise to them is that breathing helps. If you are angry, upset or hurting in any way (physically or mentally) ... breathing helps (and it certainly can't hurt).
When I am upset with the kids or a situation, I find that I need to take those deep breaths. If I'm not calm, I can't diffuse a volatile roller coaster of emotions. So taking a physical time out from the offending child is often as important for me, as it is for them.
I am very much of the thinking that I need to catch a child in the act of a misdemeanor before I punish them. I don't like to rely on hearsay or tattling. If I witness an act worthy of punishing or if a child continues to do something after they've been told not to ... I will time them out. Take time to think about what they did.
The length of the time out depends on the child. The repeat offender who appears to have little or no remorse gets a longer time out. The sensitive child who's feelings are fragile rarely ends up in a time out, but if they do it is a shorter sentence. If I need time to cool down, I base the time out on my own emotions.
Endless bickering, tattling and fighting drives me crazy. In most of the cases I take the stand that 'it takes two to argue'. If I haven't witnessed the beginning of a disagreement, rather than take sides I will time both of them out. The duration of the time out is of their choosing. When they decide to get along, find a resolution to the argument and can be friends again they are free to go.
One of the other occasions I'll time someone out for, is if there is one child who is continually in the middle of every argument, fight or over the top behaviour. If there is a common denominator to a very bad day, I will isolate them.
In each case, before the kids return to play there is a recap of the behaviour that got them into a time out in the first place.
In almost all cases, it is a matter of play nice ... and be friends. If the whole world played by those 2 rules, wouldn't it be a better place?
Friday, May 29, 2009
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
The Question of "Why"
I don't play the ''Why?" game with the kids. Not when it hampers their ability to think.
This morning's "why" scenario:
I was cleaning the blinds.
Child: "What are you doing?"
Me: "What do you think I am doing?"
Child: "Cleaning the blinds."
Me: "There you go ..."
Child: "Why y y?"
Me: "Why do you think?"
Child: "Because they are dirty."
Me: "There. You figured it out all by yourself."
Whenever the word 'why' is drawn out into a 3 syllable word, I cringe. It is a game that I don't play. Why?
Because I think that children can answer many of these questions by using their own deducing skills. It isn't often that the question "Why?" requires an adult answer in my world. When it is something that isn't obvious, I answer. Otherwise I tend to ignore the question or ask the child to figure it out.
Sometimes the question doesn't even make sense. They are playing the 'Why Game' out of habit and the question isn't even answerable.
I don't mind answering real questions. In fact, we have gone to the encyclopedias or google to find answers at times to find answers. But for the most part, if a child can figure out the answer to an obvious question, I think "Why answer?"
This morning's "why" scenario:
I was cleaning the blinds.
Child: "What are you doing?"
Me: "What do you think I am doing?"
Child: "Cleaning the blinds."
Me: "There you go ..."
Child: "Why y y?"
Me: "Why do you think?"
Child: "Because they are dirty."
Me: "There. You figured it out all by yourself."
Whenever the word 'why' is drawn out into a 3 syllable word, I cringe. It is a game that I don't play. Why?
Because I think that children can answer many of these questions by using their own deducing skills. It isn't often that the question "Why?" requires an adult answer in my world. When it is something that isn't obvious, I answer. Otherwise I tend to ignore the question or ask the child to figure it out.
Sometimes the question doesn't even make sense. They are playing the 'Why Game' out of habit and the question isn't even answerable.
I don't mind answering real questions. In fact, we have gone to the encyclopedias or google to find answers at times to find answers. But for the most part, if a child can figure out the answer to an obvious question, I think "Why answer?"
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
When Kids Can Teach Each Other
I love when my 'long time kids' help me to teach the new families the rules around here. It's music to my ears when I hear the older kids teaching the smaller ones. My rules never change, and my mantras are many. Often, I hear my words coming out of the mouths of my charges as they help me keep order under our roof.
I'm unwavering with my rules and expectations. I often compare myself to a drill sergeant as I bellow the same old thing time and time again. "The rules don't change" is one of my many favorite sayings. "You know better ... when you know better, you do better" is another.
I think the consistency is a good thing. I expect the same behaviour from everyone, so even though I'm strict (if I was a kid, I would think that I was mean) I believe what saves me from being a true ogre in the eyes of the kids ... is that everyone gets treated the same. I'm quite certain that I don't play favorites (though there are the mild mannered kids that I am not so forceful with because it simply doesn't take more than a sideways glance and a comment and they are towing the line immediately).
Kids voices carry very well. So I will often hear their efforts to resolve a situation using my rules, my words and eventually a "Colleen will get mad" to get someone to listen. When nothing seems to work, I try to silently approach the situation to have a look at what is transpiring. Then I will help the one who has been trying to handle the situation and tell the offender "If you listen to ____, you don't have to listen to me (tell you the same thing, only louder)." "The kids know the rules ... listen to them."
I feel like it validates the one who was trying to live up to my expectations and helps teach the smaller (or new) ones to respect whoever is trying to get them to follow the rules.
For the most part, it works very well when the kids can take control of a situation. It is something that they are going to come face to face with at every turn in their life. With friends and family that they play with; at school; at the playground; all of their life.
It's a small thing, but I think it is a good life skill for kids to have. Adults are close at hand when they are needed to intervene ... but if they can learn to stand up for their rights, rules and rights of others at a young age ... it can only help them down the line.
I'm unwavering with my rules and expectations. I often compare myself to a drill sergeant as I bellow the same old thing time and time again. "The rules don't change" is one of my many favorite sayings. "You know better ... when you know better, you do better" is another.
I think the consistency is a good thing. I expect the same behaviour from everyone, so even though I'm strict (if I was a kid, I would think that I was mean) I believe what saves me from being a true ogre in the eyes of the kids ... is that everyone gets treated the same. I'm quite certain that I don't play favorites (though there are the mild mannered kids that I am not so forceful with because it simply doesn't take more than a sideways glance and a comment and they are towing the line immediately).
Kids voices carry very well. So I will often hear their efforts to resolve a situation using my rules, my words and eventually a "Colleen will get mad" to get someone to listen. When nothing seems to work, I try to silently approach the situation to have a look at what is transpiring. Then I will help the one who has been trying to handle the situation and tell the offender "If you listen to ____, you don't have to listen to me (tell you the same thing, only louder)." "The kids know the rules ... listen to them."
I feel like it validates the one who was trying to live up to my expectations and helps teach the smaller (or new) ones to respect whoever is trying to get them to follow the rules.
For the most part, it works very well when the kids can take control of a situation. It is something that they are going to come face to face with at every turn in their life. With friends and family that they play with; at school; at the playground; all of their life.
It's a small thing, but I think it is a good life skill for kids to have. Adults are close at hand when they are needed to intervene ... but if they can learn to stand up for their rights, rules and rights of others at a young age ... it can only help them down the line.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
My Daycare State of Mind
Even though I run a daycare in my home for 10 1/2 hours of the day, 5 days a week ... I don't like for my home to have the look of a daycare when I'm off duty.
I have many routines that signal 'off duty' in my mind. A toy chest that I can close the doors on, at the end of the day. The front door is locked and the blinds are closed. The house is vacuumed and clean. All remnants of the day are dealt with and put away. When the last child of the day leaves, I breath a huge sigh of relief, as all of my signals tell me 'my work here is done'.
On weekends, I tuck away the extra high chair and booster seats so that my kitchen doesn't have the look of 'daycare'. I put the stool (that I have so the kids can reach the bathroom light and sink) in the bathroom out of sight. I wash all of the kids bedding so that it is fresh and clean for whatever the next week has in store. But for the weekend, it is all out of sight.
I bring out things that signal how I want to live the weekend. An end table in the living room that I can use to put my coffee, books and any little project that I may be working on. Pillows in the spare/TV room that support my neck and back as I sit back and relax and watch my favorite taped shows. The remote control isn't put out of the reach of small hands, bedroom doors are left open, the cat is free to roam the entire house and just a general sense of 'adults live here' about the house.
As the weekend winds to a close, I gradually bring the daycare world back into my physical view. It sets the wheels of my mind in motion to gear up for the week ahead. The house has the look of 'kids live here', the wash cloths and diapers that I need for the day signal who and what to expect in my mind, the phone starts ringing (with the incessant changes to the expected schedule changes), the blinds open and at last ... the front door is unlocked.
These signals that I have outwardly, set up my mind set for whatever may lie in store. As the house takes on the outward appearance of 'daycare', so does my mind. I find that I need to be in the right state of mind to take on a full day of kids.
And so a new week begins ...
I have many routines that signal 'off duty' in my mind. A toy chest that I can close the doors on, at the end of the day. The front door is locked and the blinds are closed. The house is vacuumed and clean. All remnants of the day are dealt with and put away. When the last child of the day leaves, I breath a huge sigh of relief, as all of my signals tell me 'my work here is done'.
On weekends, I tuck away the extra high chair and booster seats so that my kitchen doesn't have the look of 'daycare'. I put the stool (that I have so the kids can reach the bathroom light and sink) in the bathroom out of sight. I wash all of the kids bedding so that it is fresh and clean for whatever the next week has in store. But for the weekend, it is all out of sight.
I bring out things that signal how I want to live the weekend. An end table in the living room that I can use to put my coffee, books and any little project that I may be working on. Pillows in the spare/TV room that support my neck and back as I sit back and relax and watch my favorite taped shows. The remote control isn't put out of the reach of small hands, bedroom doors are left open, the cat is free to roam the entire house and just a general sense of 'adults live here' about the house.
As the weekend winds to a close, I gradually bring the daycare world back into my physical view. It sets the wheels of my mind in motion to gear up for the week ahead. The house has the look of 'kids live here', the wash cloths and diapers that I need for the day signal who and what to expect in my mind, the phone starts ringing (with the incessant changes to the expected schedule changes), the blinds open and at last ... the front door is unlocked.
These signals that I have outwardly, set up my mind set for whatever may lie in store. As the house takes on the outward appearance of 'daycare', so does my mind. I find that I need to be in the right state of mind to take on a full day of kids.
And so a new week begins ...
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Temper Tantrums
I am not one to succumb to the pressures of a screaming child who will throw a tantrum to get their way. This rule of thumb was challenged by one of my newest arrivals to our daycare family.
Last week was their first week with us. It was a week of learning the ropes and discovering each other's limits. The oldest is almost 4 years old and the youngest is close to 2 years.
The (almost) 2 year old had some issues with the separation anxiety as her parents walked out the door each morning. She wasn't feeling well, so we had a few 'sad' days where I didn't know where her normal personality ended and her illness began. I could take all of this in stride and each day was a bit better than the day that preceded it.
This is the natural order of things when a new family starts coming. We have some tough days. But on the whole, each day gets progressively better.
Enter 'sister #2', (almost) 4. Each day, at nap time we had an 'issue'. Starting with a list of 'needs' that she wanted after she laid down for her nap. I had a feeling that I was being tested, so I was firm in my rule that nap-time is nap-time. NO fooling around. This led to how far the door must be left ajar when she napped, one day. It crescendoed when I accidentally gave her blanket to her sister, another day. That was a scene that I hoped never to repeat.
That leads to Friday. One would think that the 'lessons learned' from the tantrums thrown each day at nap time would have lessened the intensity of the aforementioned scenes. One would be wrong ...
It started out as a minor altercation between her and her sister. I stepped in because I do not believe that 'the biggest/loudest kid wins'. I believe in being fair, taking turns and negotiating an answer. When the solution isn't apparent, I will take the item being fought over so that no one wins. I use the word ''Stop!" to halt the escalation of the process and not to assign blame. In the past, this has worked for me.
Not this time. My use of the word "Stop!" escalated the screaming. When that happened, I took the 'offending toy' away. The screaming was even more intense. The excessive screaming led to me removing the offending screamer from the room, telling her that: #1 Crying never works; #2 If you cry, the answer is an automatic NO; and #3 If you are crying, you must be by yourself and you can come out and play with the kids when you are happy.
The screaming intensified. I'm certain that neighbors 6 houses away could hear it. I closed the door to the room that she was in, to give her the illusion that I could not hear her and her screaming was to no avail. The room she was in had an open window. When the screaming sounded akin to someone being murdered, I moved her into another spot closer to the kitchen (where I was working) where I could close the door. I didn't think that it could get worse ... but it did.
I was shaking. Literally, figuratively and to the very core of my being ... this behaviour, screaming and out and out defiance of an authority figure had me quaking.
As soon as there was the slightest decrease in the decibel level of the screams, I talked to her. I told her to breathe. We each took deep, deep breaths. I could feel sanity return to my being, with each breath that I took. Her breaths weren't as deep, but my calmness and steady words (as I relayed the message over and over again that this behaviour will never, ever get what she wants) finally lessened the intensity of the moment.
I felt like a 4 year old myself, as I dealt with this scenario. When someone is screaming ... the tendency of a 4 year old, is to scream louder. And I did. I know better. The best way to get someone to listen, is to be calm and talk in a quiet voice. I know this. The intensity of this particular tantrum (added to all of the tantrums that preceded this last one), had me at my wits end. Usually consistency pays off. I expected the tantrums to decrease in volume and intensity. Not increase.
After all was said and done, I sat down and talked to all of the ''3 years and up'' kids (including the tantrum-thrower) that were witness to this outburst and I apologized for over reacting. I was wrong. I admitted it and we had a conversation about the entire scenario that had transpired that morning. Even though I reacted badly, the message was the same: You will never, ever get your way if you cry.
The day continued. Nap time went without a fight. The rest of the day went almost perfectly. She appeared to have completed her mission to test me ... and we both got along fine with our new limits.
We are on day #4, of week #2 this week. And this little girl has been very close to perfect. There are still moments where I will tell her to "stop" her behaviour and explain that it is not acceptable to act that way. No blame, no anger, no raised voices. And we carry on.
I've always believed that temper tantrums were to test the limits a child could take their behaviour to. I've never believed that handling them was my forte. But after a week of consistent negative outcomes to a negative behaviour, I think we are on a better path. And we both learned a valuable lesson.
Last week was their first week with us. It was a week of learning the ropes and discovering each other's limits. The oldest is almost 4 years old and the youngest is close to 2 years.
The (almost) 2 year old had some issues with the separation anxiety as her parents walked out the door each morning. She wasn't feeling well, so we had a few 'sad' days where I didn't know where her normal personality ended and her illness began. I could take all of this in stride and each day was a bit better than the day that preceded it.
This is the natural order of things when a new family starts coming. We have some tough days. But on the whole, each day gets progressively better.
Enter 'sister #2', (almost) 4. Each day, at nap time we had an 'issue'. Starting with a list of 'needs' that she wanted after she laid down for her nap. I had a feeling that I was being tested, so I was firm in my rule that nap-time is nap-time. NO fooling around. This led to how far the door must be left ajar when she napped, one day. It crescendoed when I accidentally gave her blanket to her sister, another day. That was a scene that I hoped never to repeat.
That leads to Friday. One would think that the 'lessons learned' from the tantrums thrown each day at nap time would have lessened the intensity of the aforementioned scenes. One would be wrong ...
It started out as a minor altercation between her and her sister. I stepped in because I do not believe that 'the biggest/loudest kid wins'. I believe in being fair, taking turns and negotiating an answer. When the solution isn't apparent, I will take the item being fought over so that no one wins. I use the word ''Stop!" to halt the escalation of the process and not to assign blame. In the past, this has worked for me.
Not this time. My use of the word "Stop!" escalated the screaming. When that happened, I took the 'offending toy' away. The screaming was even more intense. The excessive screaming led to me removing the offending screamer from the room, telling her that: #1 Crying never works; #2 If you cry, the answer is an automatic NO; and #3 If you are crying, you must be by yourself and you can come out and play with the kids when you are happy.
The screaming intensified. I'm certain that neighbors 6 houses away could hear it. I closed the door to the room that she was in, to give her the illusion that I could not hear her and her screaming was to no avail. The room she was in had an open window. When the screaming sounded akin to someone being murdered, I moved her into another spot closer to the kitchen (where I was working) where I could close the door. I didn't think that it could get worse ... but it did.
I was shaking. Literally, figuratively and to the very core of my being ... this behaviour, screaming and out and out defiance of an authority figure had me quaking.
As soon as there was the slightest decrease in the decibel level of the screams, I talked to her. I told her to breathe. We each took deep, deep breaths. I could feel sanity return to my being, with each breath that I took. Her breaths weren't as deep, but my calmness and steady words (as I relayed the message over and over again that this behaviour will never, ever get what she wants) finally lessened the intensity of the moment.
I felt like a 4 year old myself, as I dealt with this scenario. When someone is screaming ... the tendency of a 4 year old, is to scream louder. And I did. I know better. The best way to get someone to listen, is to be calm and talk in a quiet voice. I know this. The intensity of this particular tantrum (added to all of the tantrums that preceded this last one), had me at my wits end. Usually consistency pays off. I expected the tantrums to decrease in volume and intensity. Not increase.
After all was said and done, I sat down and talked to all of the ''3 years and up'' kids (including the tantrum-thrower) that were witness to this outburst and I apologized for over reacting. I was wrong. I admitted it and we had a conversation about the entire scenario that had transpired that morning. Even though I reacted badly, the message was the same: You will never, ever get your way if you cry.
The day continued. Nap time went without a fight. The rest of the day went almost perfectly. She appeared to have completed her mission to test me ... and we both got along fine with our new limits.
We are on day #4, of week #2 this week. And this little girl has been very close to perfect. There are still moments where I will tell her to "stop" her behaviour and explain that it is not acceptable to act that way. No blame, no anger, no raised voices. And we carry on.
I've always believed that temper tantrums were to test the limits a child could take their behaviour to. I've never believed that handling them was my forte. But after a week of consistent negative outcomes to a negative behaviour, I think we are on a better path. And we both learned a valuable lesson.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Burn-Out
I've had very little to contribute to this blog lately. At the end of every winter, it is typical for my energy levels to be drained and for my enthusiasm to be low. After a long season of being cooped up in the house, we are all ready to get outside and breathe a fresh season of air. It is like oxygen being pumped into your soul. It usually cures the winter blues.
This year, I can't seem to drag myself out of the winter season. I am constantly questioning whether I should remain in the daycare provider role.
What I love about my job ...
I absolutely love working from home, being my own boss, I don't have to worry about comfortable shoes and I work for the most incredible parents.
I feel like I do a good job of keeping our days running smoothly. I'm organized, have routines, expectations and I feel like I run a 'pretty tight ship'.
I am dependable, honest, fair and try hard to keep the lines of communication open between myself and my parents.
I have started up our daycare blog in order to give the parents a 'look' at our days and to keep me focused on the positives. I write up semi-regular newsletters to talk about outstanding issues, any information the parents need to know and just a briefing at our life here.
I'm flexible with the many changes that are thrown my way. From varying schedules, unexpected turn of events, last minute changes and late payments. I am perhaps too flexible because this wears on my patience when too many families have too many changes.
Lately though, I haven't been happy with the person that I have become throughout my days.
We are in a state of flux at the moment, with the start of a new family. As we get used to each other, there is frustration on both sides of the equation that makes for some tense moments.
I have a high girl to boy ratio at the moment. I have 3 sons. I'm used to boys. I relate to boys. Girls ... are a challenge to me. This is taxing.
I'm starting to feel overwhelmed in my daycare world. Mostly because of the life that I have going on outside of this 'world of kids'. I have a lot of balls in the air, so my patience is not what it should be.
My long term goal is to lighten my daycare load and take on other ways of earning an income from home. Unfortunately I can see this in my mind's eye but it is not my reality yet. So I'm feeling stuck in between the place that I must be right now and the place that I want to evolve to.
In the mean time, I know that the kids that are in my care deserve a better me. I need to re balance my priorities and focus on where I am ... and make the best of that.
This year, I can't seem to drag myself out of the winter season. I am constantly questioning whether I should remain in the daycare provider role.
What I love about my job ...
I absolutely love working from home, being my own boss, I don't have to worry about comfortable shoes and I work for the most incredible parents.
I feel like I do a good job of keeping our days running smoothly. I'm organized, have routines, expectations and I feel like I run a 'pretty tight ship'.
I am dependable, honest, fair and try hard to keep the lines of communication open between myself and my parents.
I have started up our daycare blog in order to give the parents a 'look' at our days and to keep me focused on the positives. I write up semi-regular newsletters to talk about outstanding issues, any information the parents need to know and just a briefing at our life here.
I'm flexible with the many changes that are thrown my way. From varying schedules, unexpected turn of events, last minute changes and late payments. I am perhaps too flexible because this wears on my patience when too many families have too many changes.
Lately though, I haven't been happy with the person that I have become throughout my days.
We are in a state of flux at the moment, with the start of a new family. As we get used to each other, there is frustration on both sides of the equation that makes for some tense moments.
I have a high girl to boy ratio at the moment. I have 3 sons. I'm used to boys. I relate to boys. Girls ... are a challenge to me. This is taxing.
I'm starting to feel overwhelmed in my daycare world. Mostly because of the life that I have going on outside of this 'world of kids'. I have a lot of balls in the air, so my patience is not what it should be.
My long term goal is to lighten my daycare load and take on other ways of earning an income from home. Unfortunately I can see this in my mind's eye but it is not my reality yet. So I'm feeling stuck in between the place that I must be right now and the place that I want to evolve to.
In the mean time, I know that the kids that are in my care deserve a better me. I need to re balance my priorities and focus on where I am ... and make the best of that.
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