Negotiation

The latest video that I made for my daycare blog started innocently enough. As I go through the various video clips that I accumlate over the days, I'll recognize a theme and start collecting more clips to go along with it.

The theme of 'Negotiation' started out kind of tongue in cheek. It was a light hearted way of trying to see the world of playing through the eyes of the kids here. As the days went along, I realized that I didn't have to search very hard or wait long for more footage. The kids spend their days working on the art of negotiation.

From taking turns ... to wanting a toy someone else has ... to dealing with a younger child who hasn't learned the negotiating art form yet ... to dealing with a peer that has a way of knowing exactly how to bug you ... the material that I had to work with was endless.

It was interesting to watch and rewatch the personalities as they knew that I was watching exactly what they were doing. In most cases this nipped negative behavior in the bud. In other cases it didn't make an iota of difference (as the child looked me directly in the eye and continued the behavior to see how far they could push it). There was one case between a 2 1/2 and a 3 1/2 year old. There were absolutely no words. It was all body language. And it spoke volumes.

Kids push their limits ... then they learn their limits. What they choose to do with that knowledge depends on the child. But the thing that never ends is the endless give and take that there is in a day, when you share it with a household full of other children.

It's all a learning experience. As these kids learn to deal with the various personalities within these 4 walls, it is starting to give them the tools that they will need when they are out in the real world of school. There will always be aggressive children, passive ones and every kind in between. The bickering and pushing of the limits is so hard to oversee on a regular basis. But when I looked at the footage of this video, I started to see with my own eyes just how tough it is to be a child.

Their day is full of negotiation.

Some of My Favorite Words

"Stop" is my favorite word to use in my daycare life. It doesn't assign blame. It doesn't leave the last word open to the suggestiong of what to do. When you say "Stop running" or "Stop screaming" kids often hear ''running'' or ''screaming" and they do exactly what you tell them not to do. I have tried to train myself to say what I want them to do. I'll say "Walk" or "Turn down your voice" instead (and when I can't think quickly enough I just say "Stop").

I'd love to say that it works like a charm ... all of the time. What I can say instead is that I have caught kids on several occasions doing what you tell them not to. A parent was here and telling her child "Don't drive the cars on the wall.'' He literally reiterated out loud "Drive the cars on the wall" and went on his merry way ... driving his cars on the wall. I just a few minutes ago caught myself saying "Get your face off the couch" (I have a new couch and I cringe at the vision of kids with runny noses and wide open mouths face-first on my couch ... I'm a little strange about that). The child with his face in the couch looked at me, then did it again. The child beside him did exactly what I had just said not to do. This happens time and time again. My best tactic is "Stop."

"Hush" is another favorite word of mine. No matter how frustrated or angry you are, you can't yell the word "hush." The more frustrated I am, the longer I hold the "shhhhhhh" part of the word. It tends to calm a baby ... it calms me down ... it is the same kind of effect as counting to 10.

"Walk"; "Turn down your voice"; "Be nice"; "Be good"; "Keep your pants dry" (to the kids in the toilet training phase; "Sleep ..." are words the kids probably hear in their sleep (I hope?) from the repetition around here. I have many other mantras that I repeat time after time, day after day, year after year. When I hear the kids repeating these words, I feel rewarded. I have been heard. When I see my negative behavior copied, I cringe. A person recognizes themselves in a child's behavior and I try my best (though I don't always succeed) to make sure I can stand listening to my words coming out of a child's mouth.

For the most part, I do okay. And for the more frustrating days/hours/minutes ... the less said, the better. "Stop" and "Hush" work well in those cases.

Every Day Tells a Story ...

Since I've started my daycare blog and the videos and photos that I attach to it, I am amazed at how many different angles there are to portray our days here.

The kids are an endless source of ideas and inspiration. Every day is an adventure. I'll turn on the camera and hope to capture a few candid shots ... and the next thing I'll see is a theme developing and a story that I can pass along to the parents.

For the most part, it is upbeat and fun. There were a few things caught on tape that weren't something that I wanted to focus on (a certain behavior that I had been struggling with showed up on several videos). My question was: Do I splice this together to let the behavior tell its own story? or: Do I delete it and forget about it? I did neither. The footage is still there (saved in some file somewhere), but I haven't highlighted or showcased it. That isn't the idea behind the blog and the video. It is to focus on the positives. And as I tell myself, the negative behavior shouldn't be getting the attention. Focus only the behavior I want to encourage.

So, I have put together several different themes and I thoroughly enjoy playing around with my 'day' after it is done. I love to look at my days as a 'story to tell'. To focus on the good stuff. And when you are surrounded by kids all day, it's important to find a way to focus on the positives.

The Challenge Child

It never fails ... I always have one child that keeps me challenged. If I'm lucky, the challenges and the child changes. If I'm not, it seems that my energy and focus is on one child the vast majority of my day.

Is that really fair to everyone else, when one person's negative behavior affects everyone? As much as possible, I hope that the lesson learned is "Who wants to play with you when you act like that?" No one wants to be bullied, overruled and dominated all of the time. Who enjoys not getting any attention because the person with the negative behavior gets all of the attention? No one.

When the one displaying this negative behavior catches on, they start to get cagey about it and wait until my back is turned or until I'm in a different room.

When the behavior is ''all about them'' - they have to be first, they have to be the center of attention, they have to have the coveted toy, they have to have most, they have to have ''it all'' in every situation and in every capacity .... what do you do?

My emotions get in the way when I deal with a personality like this. I was a quiet child and I seem to relate too well with the children that can't hold their own. I have found it very hard to find the redeeming qualities in this child when the behavior is evident every day, all day.

I try to be consistent. I try to remove the negative behavior from the group. I try to send the same message to everyone. I try to be the voice of reason, the voice that they eventually start to hear in their own head before they act in a negative fashion.

I try. I don't always succeed.

Today is a much better day. After very long stretch where this 'challenge' has been evident in the vast majority of the day ... today is a much better day! The challenging behavior isn't overruling the day.

I mentioned this behavior to the parent yesterday. There has been a lot going on in their lives and routines/bed times/family time has been completely disrupted. More likely than not, this is a big part of what this child's behavior is stemming from. Whether the shift of tide today is from the parent talking to the child ... the child getting enough sleep ... my 'messages' finally taking hold ... or a combination of all of the above ... the 'why and how' of how the shift of tides has finally come, after a long haul doesn't matter. Today is a much better day. And the focus can now be on his good behavior. And I can start to like this personality once again.

I think that both the 'challenge child' and I need a break from this negativity that has seeped into our days. Let today be the beginning ....

How Much is Too Much?

I've made a conscious decision to be careful not to spoil my own kids with material belongings. I like for them to have to save up and really think on something before they get it. I have never wanted to have my kids expect some treat every single time we went shopping. In fact, with my oldest I made a conscious decision never to buy anything for him when we were shopping together (for the first part of his childhood anyway).

It has made going to the store something that I can bear, if I don't have kids begging for and expecting some little thing every time we leave the house. I do not believe in bribery in any form and buying a toy or a treat in exchange for good behavior is something I've never done.

That is simply my thinking. Everyone has their varying beliefs and ways of handling these situations. Whatever works for the individual family ...

I take care of one child who appears to get everything he wants. His mom did without any extras when she was growing up and she said that she didn't want that for her child. It appears that she is making this come true for her son. He comes in with new toys every week. Not just one toy ... it seems like it's three of every fad that he is going through (until he has the complete set and then it is onto the next toy craving).

I shake my head and silently wonder what this does to this child's level of expectations. If you get every single thing you want while you grow up, what will they expect as a teen and an adult?

You simply cannot fill up on material belongings. It is a hunger that is never satisfied. You can fill it, fill it more and continue on filling it ... but it never is completely full. A person always wants more.

It seems this is a lesson that children should learn. But that is just my thinking. Everyone has different ideas. This is just mine.

Separation Issues

The morning drop off is different for everyone ...

Some parents stay (no matter how long it may take) until their child is okay with the idea of them going. Other parents are in and out like the wind and their child is good to go, the minute they walk in the door. I have many parents that stop and chat for a while when they drop off and pick up their children. It's our time to 'connect' and exchange information.

There are phases, stages and changes to this process. Right now one of my 2 1/2 year olds is going through a terrible phase. She has been happy and eager to come for the (almost) 2 years that she has been coming here, but her older brother was recently having issues about going anywhere without a parent. And it appears that she is following suit.

It's not easy being the parent during these times. I'm grateful that this isn't just happening at my house - that there is a scene no matter who, what or where the 'separation' happens. These parents are in the toughest position. They say the right words and nothing really matters. So they just walk away from the behavior. The child doesn't 'win' and get their way ... so I think it will just be a matter of time before this stage passes. The crying stops very quickly after the parent isn't around to witness it.

I had another parent who cajoled, bargained and even lied to their child - just to get out the door without a scene. To me, it was so obvious why the child was so worried. She couldn't believe what her parent was telling her. To promise she wouldn't have to come back the next day (and not follow through on it); to say they would be right back (and be gone the full day) .... even I didn't know when to expect this parent because he continually said one thing and did another. It's no wonder his child was confused and distrustful.

I've had other parents that sit out the process and eventually both the parent and child are okay with the separation. This takes time ... but if there isn't bribery or lying to make the child happy ... "whatever works".

Personally, I'm the kind of parent that would say, "No matter what you do, I have to go to work. Nothing is going to change because you are acting this way." You can do this when you have absolutely no qualms about where your child is staying. If you have any worries and this is the only place and circumstance this is happening ... that is another story.

When children throw tantrums to manipulate a situation and get their way is an entirely different scenario. That is when it isn't easy to be the 'tough guy' parent and just walk away from the behavior.

In time, this too shall pass away ... we hope.

More on Infectious Attitudes

Another 'infection' I have noticed that spreads like wildfire around here is the attitudes about food. I have gone through various phases of picky eaters, voracious eaters, competitive eaters, social eaters, anti-eaters (they hated everything) ... you name it, I think I've seen it.

At one time, I had a majority of eaters that were willing to try anything for a while. They enjoyed a lot of what they tried and lunch time was actually a little fun as we tried out various menus. The more they enjoyed what they ate, the more the rest of them were willing to try out new things. It was a very enjoyable 'infection'.

At the moment, I have a lot of fussy eaters. It seems that one person will create an 'attitude' about a certain food and everyone at the table will follow suit. It is most frustrating. In trying to create different lunch menus with this picky crowd, my options are slimming. I like to make a lunch where the kids can fill up on one thing if they don't like another. Lately it seems, the fruit is the biggest hit. And you really don't fill up on fruit if you haven't had a few other options from the other food groups.

It makes lunch time an adventure anyway ...

Infectious Attitudes

I just had a new 1 year old start at my daycare and she is a delight. She has such a happy and easy-going demeanor. She has just learned how to walk and we were all witness to her hitting this major milestone in her young life. She is a delight.

I have listened and watched the reaction of the kids to this new little one. Their voices go up a pitch as they talk to her. And they do talk to her. The way everyone treats this newcomer to our group seems to be infectious. We have all caught it.

It makes me wonder. Is it our attitudes that are contagious ... or is she just that sweet?

I tend to believe (although she is sweet), that it is our attitudes - starting with mine, that has infected all of us. A person tends to mirror what they see in others and what others do.

When I have so many young, impressionable minds looking at me and reflecting my attitudes and actions it reminds me (once again) of what a responsibility I have with these children. I have seen my actions and words repeated in these children time and time again. It is my responsiblity to watch my own actions.

I have had the opposite experience when I've had a child that doesn't fit in so easily. And yes ... my actions and attitudes are mirrored in a negative way as well. It is much more enjoyable to see the positive side come out in all of us.

It starts with me ....

The Differences Between Boys and Girls

I'm the mother of 3 boys so I admit that I have some bias on this subject. But I've run my daycare for almost 10 years so I would also say that I have some first hand knowledge on the boys verses girls subject.

I have always felt that boys have been given a bad wrap. "Boys will be boys" and all that goes with that is true. But "Girls will be girls" as well. It all depends on the individual - you really can't wrap it up in a short phrase.

I have been tending 4 boys (ages 2, 3 and 2, 4 year olds) all morning. And all I can say is "there is no comparison to the rest of the week when one of those 4 year olds was a girl." The noise levels were higher on the day a girl was in the midst; more bickering; more silliness just ... more. I'm not blaming the girl. It is the dynamic between the girl and the boys that is the difference.

The girls I have, in the 3 to 4 year old set play as hard as the boys do. For years, the boys outnumbered the girls by far ... and most of them have older brothers ... so most of the girls I have here have grown up around boys.

It seems that certain kids are drawn to certain personalities - regardless if they are a boy or a girl. The 'trouble maker' draws some, like bees to honey. Kids that are otherwise quiet, enjoy this boisterous and 'on the edge' personality. Others are drawn to the quiet and more nurturing personalities. I count myself fortunate that this was the type of person my youngest son seems to be drawn to. My oldest was drawn to the troublemaker. My middle son spoke his own mind and kept his own company a lot. All 3 of my boys are of a quieter nature ... but each of them seemed to be drawn to different kinds of people. They acted a lot like the company they kept ... and that is what I find with the kids that I tend.

I was talking to a teacher once and she mentioned that if you have 3 kids and 2 of them are quiet-natured, the 3rd will tend to follow suit if they are outnumbered. I find that here a lot (it doesn't matter if it's boys or girls ... it is the nature of the child that counts). And that is what is happening here this morning. Yes, I have 3 boys around the same age. But there are 2 quiet natured ones and one more exuberant one. He's trying hard to get them wound up (but my interference has helped sway the balance to keep it on the quieter side).

Yes, boys and girls may play differently ... I find the biggest difference is in the 'pitch'. The girls voices are more shrill when the noise levels rise whereas the boys voices are louder. I'm simply more accustomed to boys noise, so I do find the shrillness grates on my nerves quicker. Not to say that boys are better ... I'm simply more accustomed to them.

I will never lump up boys or girls with one label. They are individuals ... and if a child grows up with someone labelling and excusing certain behaviour as it's just being a boy or a girl, I think that child will live up to the label.

Yes, they are different. But they live up to our expectations no matter what sex they are.

Sleeping

Sleeping ... or the lack of ... makes such a difference in a child's behaviour.

At the moment, I am battling to get my new 1 year old in a sleeping schedule that works for all of us. It's hard. She's tired in the morning, but if she naps in the morning she has only a short nap in the afternoon and is on the brink of being cranky by the end of the day. To keep her awake all morning, she is painfully grumpy but she sleeps soundly in the afternoon and is much happier for the rest of the day. It's a juggling act at the moment. We'll figure it out.

A tired child is so hard to be around. It doesn't matter what age the child is. Tired isn't fun for anyone.

I am a stickler for routine. I like the kids to know that nap time is an everyday occurence at the same time. Day in and day out. Like clockwork.

When everyone sleeps when they are supposed to, it makes the day better for all. When kids arrive in the morning tired and out of sorts, it affects everyone. I believe in set bedtimes - we should all have that regularity in our sleep habits. A person's body works better on a schedule, even adults.

When parents do everything to keep a tired child awake, so that they can get them to sleep in the next morning I think they are teaching that child to ignore their own body's natural 'triggers' telling them sleep. You end up with an overtired child that can't wind down, a tired child the next day ... and when it's done on a regular basis, you have a child that has learned to override their tiredness and not want to go to bed.

I have strong opinions about the necessity for good sleeping habits. I can't see the benefit of keeping a preschool child out of their routine for sports and such, that put their bedtime way out of whack. As they get older and the bedtimes get later ... maybe. But to throw a child continually off schedule doesn't seem 'in the best interest of the child' or for anyone else around them.

Then again, what do I really know? I have made myself a slave to the routines that seem to work best for me. My children have really never done any sporting activity, nor do I have a life after dark. I think somewhere in between the two extremes lies a happy medium.

A rested child is a happy child. But that's just my opinion.

The Best Bonus of All

I'm not a huggy person. I'm a real at-arms-length-kind-of-girl. I am not overly affectionate with anyone and I am not particularly a warm and fuzzy kind of daycare provider (though I hope my other qualities make up for that) ...

Anyway ... I've got one little 2 1/2 yr old girl that started initiating getting a hug from me before she left. And today, she gave me a bonus kiss. I've been getting a few other hugs on the side as well. It's such a compliment.

It is the best bonus I could ever ask for!