Temper Tantrums

I am not one to succumb to the pressures of a screaming child who will throw a tantrum to get their way. This rule of thumb was challenged by one of my newest arrivals to our daycare family.

Last week was their first week with us. It was a week of learning the ropes and discovering each other's limits. The oldest is almost 4 years old and the youngest is close to 2 years.

The (almost) 2 year old had some issues with the separation anxiety as her parents walked out the door each morning. She wasn't feeling well, so we had a few 'sad' days where I didn't know where her normal personality ended and her illness began. I could take all of this in stride and each day was a bit better than the day that preceded it.

This is the natural order of things when a new family starts coming. We have some tough days. But on the whole, each day gets progressively better.

Enter 'sister #2', (almost) 4. Each day, at nap time we had an 'issue'. Starting with a list of 'needs' that she wanted after she laid down for her nap. I had a feeling that I was being tested, so I was firm in my rule that nap-time is nap-time. NO fooling around. This led to how far the door must be left ajar when she napped, one day. It crescendoed when I accidentally gave her blanket to her sister, another day. That was a scene that I hoped never to repeat.

That leads to Friday. One would think that the 'lessons learned' from the tantrums thrown each day at nap time would have lessened the intensity of the aforementioned scenes. One would be wrong ...

It started out as a minor altercation between her and her sister. I stepped in because I do not believe that 'the biggest/loudest kid wins'. I believe in being fair, taking turns and negotiating an answer. When the solution isn't apparent, I will take the item being fought over so that no one wins. I use the word ''Stop!" to halt the escalation of the process and not to assign blame. In the past, this has worked for me.

Not this time. My use of the word "Stop!" escalated the screaming. When that happened, I took the 'offending toy' away. The screaming was even more intense. The excessive screaming led to me removing the offending screamer from the room, telling her that: #1 Crying never works; #2 If you cry, the answer is an automatic NO; and #3 If you are crying, you must be by yourself and you can come out and play with the kids when you are happy.

The screaming intensified. I'm certain that neighbors 6 houses away could hear it. I closed the door to the room that she was in, to give her the illusion that I could not hear her and her screaming was to no avail. The room she was in had an open window. When the screaming sounded akin to someone being murdered, I moved her into another spot closer to the kitchen (where I was working) where I could close the door. I didn't think that it could get worse ... but it did.

I was shaking. Literally, figuratively and to the very core of my being ... this behaviour, screaming and out and out defiance of an authority figure had me quaking.

As soon as there was the slightest decrease in the decibel level of the screams, I talked to her. I told her to breathe. We each took deep, deep breaths. I could feel sanity return to my being, with each breath that I took. Her breaths weren't as deep, but my calmness and steady words (as I relayed the message over and over again that this behaviour will never, ever get what she wants) finally lessened the intensity of the moment.

I felt like a 4 year old myself, as I dealt with this scenario. When someone is screaming ... the tendency of a 4 year old, is to scream louder. And I did. I know better. The best way to get someone to listen, is to be calm and talk in a quiet voice. I know this. The intensity of this particular tantrum (added to all of the tantrums that preceded this last one), had me at my wits end. Usually consistency pays off. I expected the tantrums to decrease in volume and intensity. Not increase.

After all was said and done, I sat down and talked to all of the ''3 years and up'' kids (including the tantrum-thrower) that were witness to this outburst and I apologized for over reacting. I was wrong. I admitted it and we had a conversation about the entire scenario that had transpired that morning. Even though I reacted badly, the message was the same: You will never, ever get your way if you cry.

The day continued. Nap time went without a fight. The rest of the day went almost perfectly. She appeared to have completed her mission to test me ... and we both got along fine with our new limits.

We are on day #4, of week #2 this week. And this little girl has been very close to perfect. There are still moments where I will tell her to "stop" her behaviour and explain that it is not acceptable to act that way. No blame, no anger, no raised voices. And we carry on.

I've always believed that temper tantrums were to test the limits a child could take their behaviour to. I've never believed that handling them was my forte. But after a week of consistent negative outcomes to a negative behaviour, I think we are on a better path. And we both learned a valuable lesson.