Tough Love

I'm not a softy when it comes to kids. I give them choices and let them live with their decision.

"You can cry if you want ... but no one wants to hear it. Come on out and play when you are happy."

"If you throw the toy ... I take it; if you put the toy in your mouth ... I take it; if you fight over the toy ... I take it; if you break it ... I take it."

"If you are not going to play nice, play by yourself; if you are going to argue, don't play with each other."

"I've got a bed and I'm not afraid to use it."

"You can cry ... but your mom/dad still have to go to work. That doesn't change. They have to work. You can choose to cry or you can choose to be happy. You'll have a better day if you choose to be happy."

"Staring out the window or sitting there being sad will only make the day go slowly for you. You can join in and play with the kids and have fun. The time will go much faster. It's your choice."

I have many, many mantras and the kids know them by heart. But it basically boils down to "you have a choice". If you play, behave and talk nicely ... you are more than welcome to come and join in on all the games. If you are going to cry/bully/argue ... you are on your own. You choose.

It seems consistency is key. The kids usually find out very quickly that I'm not one to be manipulated and I can out stubborn the best.

Today, my new little guy (just about 2) appeared to have caught on quickly. He's just coming here temporarily due to his mother's health and there is a lot of change happening in his life at the moment. His parents and grandparents are riddled with guilt because there is not a lot of stability in his life and he's used to being home with his mom.

As soon as they drove up into my drive way this morning, he started screaming (this is his third day here). He was unrelentless with his grandma. He grabbed on tight, he cried and tried every single thing he could, so he could go with her. But she eventually did just have to leave. I wasn't exactly sure what to expect. He cried/whimpered for 3/4 of the time he was here the last time. I kept checking in on him and telling him he was more than welcome to come and play with the kids ... but he had to be happy. Over and over and over again.

Today, I sat him on the couch and talked to him. Again, telling him he could choose to be happy. I talked, he listened. He stopped crying. For the entirety of the day. He put a little tiny fake smile on his face to show me that he was choosing to be happy. After the performance that he put on for his grandma, I was shocked. I just had to call her immediately and let her know he was okay within minutes of her walking out the door.

I didn't think I was making any headway the last time he was here. But I guess I was. He was listening to me in among all of the tears. He had a very good day today.

I'm tough and unrelentless with my expectations. But 98% of the time, the kids live up to them. It makes this a pretty good place for everyone, when everyone chooses to get along and be happy.