The End of an Era

As I am 'wrapping up' my full time daycare career and looking towards a new future (going back to school with only my before and after school kids continuing to come here), I have had many conflicting thoughts.

My first thought (as I gave my parents a month notice to let them know I would be returning to school) was as a parent. I know what it is like to be a parent who is faced with the unenjoyable task of finding and feeling comfortable with a new daycare provider.

My oldest son had 7 different daycare providers. 4 or 5 of them quit on me, I 'quit' on 2 of them. I remember well, that sinking feeling in the bottom of my stomach whenever a daycare provider pulled the rug out from under me. We were very fortunate that only one of the above 7 situations, was less than ideal. I trusted my instincts when I met the moms that were willing to take on the responsibility of looking after my son. And my instincts served me well.

My second son only had 2 different daycare providers. One of them quit suddenly (giving me a few weeks notice) and the other one took care of him until he no longer required daycare. I remember the interview with the last daycare provider I ever needed. "Are you planning on quitting any time in the near future?" and "If you do, how much notice will you give me?"

When you work outside the home, it is imperative to know that your children are safe and happy. If you know this, you can concentrate on work when you are at work ... and home when you are at home. It gives your worries some boundaries. How can you put in your best day at work, if you are not at peace with who is tending your children?

I remember the feelings well.

I felt like a schmuck, as I gave my notice to my parents. I gave them as much notice as I had (for certain ... even though I've been tossing around many different thoughts and ideas in my mind for the year and a half that preceded this decision). I was letting them down.

Secondly ... is the kids.

I have had so many overwhelmed, frustrated, annoying and un-Mary-Poppins-like moments this past while ... that I thought that I would actually be happy to be putting this part of my daycare career behind me. That has not been the case.

As I returned to work after an 18 day absence from the kids (on my first morning back), I sat back and marvelled at the way they all walked in and carried on as if they hadn't missed a beat. They went through their early morning paces in the way that our cat makes his familiar 'rounds' around the house after he's been out on the prowl. They checked things out, found their friends/toys/routines all in place and some almost forgot to say good-bye to their parents. They are comfortable here.

As I've watched them at play, I marvel at the family-connection that they have among themselves. Sure, there is arguing (what siblings don't argue?) ... life is not all a bed of roses ... but for the most part, they are friends. Despite their age differences and varied personalities, they know each other. They know their differences and similarities and accept them. They are 'family'.

The kids all settle into a comfortable routine after they have been here for a while. We do a variation of the same thing day after day. Lunch is served at the same time ... soon followed by rest/quiet time ... snack time ... and soon after that, the parents start to arrive. We toss in our outings, free play, outside time into the mix. But all in all, the kids know the flow of the day. There are some parts they enjoy more than others ... but we have routines and they know what to expect.

I have been looking at myself a lot lately. I have been short tempered, frustrated, distracted and simply not a warm and fuzzy kind of person to be around. But for the most part, I am 'okay'. I think the kids are all treated equally. The rules and expectations are the same for all. As much as they may hate me for being so strict, they know what applies to one ... applies to all. I think that somewhere deep inside, they respect that.

I look at their smiling faces and the rapport they have with each other and it does my heart good. Even though the older kids may not appreciate the younger crowd at times ... as I sit and watch the kids play, no one is left out. Some may choose to come and go ... disappear for a while and watch a movie or play on their own. But no one is brutally excluded or picked on. They are kind to each other (most of the time, anyway).

I feel like I'm breaking up a family. As with any 'divorce', there are many reasons behind the tough decision that we are better off apart. I know the kids deserve some one who loves their role as care giver. I don't feel like I am the best person for that job. I'm tiring of the many demands of many young children that divide my time, attention and patience in so many directions that I lose my temper too easily. I've been changing diapers and wiping noses for 11 1/2 years. I'm ready to diversify my life.

I thought it would be easier than this. I thought that I would be celebrating my decision to head my life into a calmer, more adult-oriented world. I know that I have made the right decision ... but in my final days of my kid-world ... I also know that this has been the right world for me for the (almost) 11 years that I have lived it.